When New Moms are Strong Too Long

Three kids… oh how it happens so fast. With the first one I remember the perfect visions I dreamed up for myself and I worked damn hard to fulfill them. Clean house, dinner on the table and I had to drop the 60lbs I gained at an alarming rate. It killed me to wait four weeks to get back into workouts. I stressed constantly over the dust bunnies, barely able to to pry open my sandpaper eyes. I was downing a full pot of coffee a day in a desperate attempt to fit the role of MOM I had in my mind. You know, that perfect mom everyone drools over that has it all together. The one in the magazines shocking the world with her instant hot momma bod, the one making the big titles, "how she does it all", "hotter than pre baby in 2 months!". I constantly measured myself up against these standards and felt defeated when I couldn't compete. But I fought hard, anyway. 

With my second I was determined to have a better, fit pregnancy. I decided I was going to keep my weight gain in check and keep active. I had a healthier mindset about balance but still felt so much pressure to keep within healthy limits. I obsessed about the number on the scale and the numbers going into my stomach, my widening hips and increasing cellulite. Right from day one I was determined to "handle" it and thrive. I had two kids, I was super mom I could handle this! I was back to working out at just TWO WEEKS postpartum. Did you know in some cultures women are doted on hand and foot for months? We don't even realize how much we undervalue new moms, how much pressure we put on new moms to bounce back, get back to life, to work, to housework, to carrying it all. 

I did a great job…. both times I did a great job but deep down inside I was burnt out. I was exhausted, I was never good enough. I could never measure up to those model-moms we look up to. 

By the time I fell pregnant with #3 I started realizing some things as the pregnancy got off to a rough start at a highly stressful time. I was determined to pull through strong. And I did a fantastic job. But as the pounds piled on despite very healthy eating habits, exercise and watching calorie intake, as my stress load increased, I wondered what was wrong with me that everything was so out of control. I began to really struggle I started noticing the heavy focus on these perfect pregnancies, these perfect moms, moms harshly judging other moms about everything from the chicken nuggets they feed their kids because they're too burnt out and exhausted to cook to how present they are with their kids on the playground while their phone rings. This is what we're taught. To keep pushing, not show weakness, be strong, be stronger and do it all. Alone. 

Things got to the point that I felt like I needed help working through the stress of the last year. A shame, a burden I felt I had to carry alone I could not show weakness despite the clear fact that the year HAD been horribly rough and challenging. It wasn't weakness, it was strength for too long. It was taking on too much alone and not asking for help. 

Then, baby #3 was born.  I began to really see the pattern and why it bothered me. It didn't bother me because these women were doing well, and it was only partly jealousy (don't we all wish we had it so easy??), it was because THESE were the only women that felt confident enough to speak up, to show pictures, to show the highlights of their lives. The rest of us were hiding in shame with matted hair and spit up perfume, crying in the dark before drifting off into a broken sled interrupted by screaming babies, a thirsty toddler and a hot 5 year old that just can't take the blanket off himself in case there's monsters out there. 

Here I was taking on a massive burden alone, too ashamed to ask for help. I was home all day with the kids, I should be able to handle it all, right? Everyone else seems to be doing it but me… why can't I handle it? It got to the point that I was literally sitting beside my husband, SCREAMING inside and felt like I couldn't reach out and ask for help. 

I'm JUST hitting 6 weeks post partum and I can tell you I am no where near adjusted and healed from pregnancy, labor and birth. I have made peace with the dust bunnies, the sink full of dishes and endless piles of dirty laundry. But it took almost a complete break down to finally reach out and ask for help with basic daily survival because the truth is, I'm struggling. I mean, really struggling. I love my kids with an insane amount of passion but mommy hood is hard and life has been brutally unkind for almost 2 years. As I wait for my luck to turn for the better I was forced to reach out, to build supports and create a plan to help me through this sludge. We don't talk about the dark side of motherhood, we don't want to share our weaknesses, our struggles and yet MILLIONS of women are screaming inside with a big, fake smile on the outside. 

I'm tired of pretending, that's not who I am. It's time to share the darkness and be the voice for women like me. Who don't have their shit together, whose shit is completely taking over. Post partum depression needs to be talked about, normalized, the stigma burned to the ground. THIS is not weakness. I don't have the research to back it up (I'll look into that) but I can bet the rates of PPD in North America are significantly higher than in cultures that nurture and care for their new moms AND babies. I am not alone. YOU are not alone. THIS is what happens when we are strong for too long. I'm breaking the silence. 

Beauty is in the MIND of the Beholder

I'm going to get very personal and honest here. 

My immediate reaction to this and the rest of the photo's in my maternity shoot gallery was not what I was expecting. As a woman, a perfectionist, I have the uncanny ability to instantly spot a flaw and zone in with incredible speed and voraciousness.

Upon seeing the very first picture I immediately thought, “OMG, this is horribly disgusting. How could I DO THIS to myself?!?!?”. No joke. This was followed by about 100 automatic thoughts of how horrid I look and listing of reasons why my thoughts were valid.

My eyes narrowed on my chubby cheeks, wide arms, enormous hips and complete lack of muscle tone.

I was still struggling to love and accept myself prior to pregnancy. This fine-tuned ability to mutilate my body, one part at a time, wasn’t born overnight you know. No, it took a lifetime of practice.

This is my low-quality pre-pregnancy photo. I still felt chubby in this picture ;) 

I felt disgust, hatred, horror, disbelief, shame, guilt…  I had dreams of having just one pregnancy where I didn’t end at nearly 200 pounds.

Right from day one, once the shock wore off I was dreaming of the “perfect” pregnancy. This was it, third time’s the charm! I was going to be one of those perfect pregnant women. No stretch marks, minimal fat gain, still looking trim and fit with a big belly. I had this impossible ideal built up in my mind.

I found my appetite completely lacking so I began tracking what I ate again to ensure I was getting enough of everything since I noticed I was chronically low in healthy fats and protein. The weight was climbing despite my efforts.

Just like each time before my muscle tone quickly disintegrated and my hips began expanding. I was out of pre-pregnancy clothes by the end of the first trimester.

Around 25 weeks I realized that I was doing everything I needed to, that the swelling was much more dramatic than any previous pregnancy and that I was doing all I could to have a healthy pregnancy. What more could I do? I FELT like cutting calories and even tried for a few weeks which just led to even MORE weight gain. Clearly I just didn’t have the control I thought I “should”. As a very logical, scientific-obsessed person this was not an easy realization and I’m still struggling to come to terms with it.

So…there I was, focusing on all the things I must have done wrong and breaking myself into the mud with shame and accusations. I looked through the album a 4^th time, 5^th time, and I slowly began to widen my filter off of myself and onto my surroundings. I began to see the beauty I was missing by having my sights set so intently on individual pieces of myself. I was missing everything…

I saw the beautiful, vivid colors. I saw the wind in my dress covering a large baby bump with my son growing happily inside. I saw the love in my husbands’ eyes, and I remember feeling beautiful in those moments. I didn’t feel like what I saw in my first couple of views. I felt beautiful and glowing. Then I saw what has always owned my heart. My boys. I saw fleeting moments that were quickly rushing past me and a small window of time left with this newest addition being a part of my body and soul.

I saw imperfection in myself  and reacted so immediately, so thoughtlessly and automatically that I just about missed the best parts. This is something I know I will always struggle with, it is so deeply engrained in my core but I can tell you a few years ago there was no getting me out of this one. I would spiral into a depression and the second that baby broke free I would be on a starvation diet to “fix” the “damage” I had done. I would wish away all of it and completely miss so many beautiful moments. That’s what I did after my first son. Within moments of him being born my mind was turned to dieting. My first meal in hospital I picked at because I wouldn’t drink 2% milk or eat butter on my toast.

I’m done. I’m in control and though I’m still struggling 6 years later I know how much progress I’ve made and I’m so very thankful I now have the ability to see the true beauty in my body and what is happening to it in spite of now being tiny and buff like I thought I would. 

** More photo's coming soon! 

Miscarriage: A Hidden Journey

There sure is a LOT they don't tell you about life. As I read through a blog on one woman's experience through miscarriage what really stuck with me was the words, "they don't tell you anything REAL about what to expect with a miscarriage". 

My own miscarriage carried this same feeling. I miscarried at a mere 6 weeks, on my 25 birthday. The nurse working at the emergency department clearly wasn't prepared to handle a sobbing woman and even refused to give me the hog (pregnancy hormone) levels. All he would tell me is that maybe I wasn't as far along as I'd expected as they did seem low, after I asked 3 or 4 times and had not gotten a direct answer. No one said I would feel utter devastation and sob so uncontrollably I was blind, unable to breathe. No one told me it was normal to feel like my entire world crashed down on my chest at a mere 6 weeks pregnant. I actually got the feeling from more than a few people that I didn't deserve to be so upset, it was early. I had to sit in a room full of pregnant women and even had to face someone I knew who was checking in for her due date checkup as I sat and waited for the devastating confirmation that we had lost our baby. Our baby I had dreamt about and longed for for almost 4 years, since having our first. Our baby I had waited for patiently while I finished up my nursing degree, got married and did things the way they were supposed to go in the first place. My birthday gifts sat waiting to be opened, each filled with gifts for the baby, a maternity tshirt with a cute saying on it, a gift card for an ultrasound peek at baby. People all around me kept wishing me a happy birthday and I just wanted to scream…no it's not a happy birthday at all. I wondered why fate has chosen this day… it seemed so blatantly ironic. 

No one told me I would feel absolutely crazy for 2+ months afterward as my hormones struggled to level out or that I would go through excruciating pain every month afterward, that I would feel deep hurt and jealousy when seeing other pregnant women or hearing of friends falling pregnant. No one told me I would wonder what was wrong with me that I deserved such a loss. No one told me I would FEEL exactly the same as I did, month after month, when I was pregnant which led to dramatic disappointment. No one told me I would feel like a failure, like I had caused the miscarriage somehow, like I had done something wrong. No one told me that every single month when my cycle came to an end I would feel that same devastating loss all over. 

No one told me I would have to take one sick day off from work and return, still in pain and bleeding heavily, because I didn't deserve more than that. I felt so ashamed for feeling so broken and shattered so early that I often left out how many weeks I was when I miscarried, what did it even matter, anyway? Why would people feel the need to say, "Oh well at least it was early" like it hurt less? 

There were so many things I had no idea about. I was told by the doctor that I could expect to bleed for a week or more, it shouldn't be that painful, that I could take a day or two off work if I felt like I needed it and to expect to return to "normal" when the bleeding stopped. 

No, I guess a textbook can't tell you what it's like to go through a loss. Considering one in FOUR women will experience at least one miscarriage and nearly 50% of women struggling with infertility issues isn't it time we educate people about what to expect? What it's really like? I felt so abnormal, constantly worried that things weren't going "right". This is what it felt like for me. At 6 weeks I still was deeply, deeply affected. No less of a person, no less of my child than any other. Share your stories <3 

Top Ten Exercise Myths

Inspired by a descriptive image I found on Google that was unreadable on my fan page on Facebook. I decided there were some key points I wanted to share with you that I have learned, myself, through my years floundering, failing and embarrassing my way through the diet and fitness industry.

1) Your cardio machine is counting the calories you're burning.
MYTH- Individual metabolism varies by time of day, proportion of lean mass (muscle) to body fat, fitness level, age, genetics, diet and training regime, among other variables. There can be a large gap between what you are actually burning and what the machine is telling you. Furthermore, the amount of calories you burn in the gym is generally pretty irrelevant and tends to feed the mindset that we can work off what we eat and other distorted ways of approaching exercise. Exercise will be enjoyed to a greater degree when the focus is not on a number whether it be the scale or the machine. Though steady state cardio may appear to burn more calories, for example, you are boosting your metabolism higher for significantly sustained periods with high intensity intervals and heavy weight training, for example.

2) Heart rate monitors will tell you how hard you're working.
MYTH- Heart rate monitors can tell you if your heart rate is increasing or decreasing but the best way to tell how hard you are working is to ask yourself. Are you able to talk and hold conversation? Can you talk but broken with breaths in between? Are you barely phased at all? Are you sweating and feel uncomfortable? Remember, as well, that our heart rates do not need to be elevated for any set amount of time to benefit, nor do we need to have a high heart rate to indicate working hard. If you struggle with pushing yourself and listening to your body, have a condition that warrants careful heart rate monitoring etc then a heart rate monitor could be beneficial to your training.

3) Your weight is the end all be all.
MYTH- Weight, in my opinion, is a highly useless tool for progress measurement. I have seen many people maintain and even GAIN weight while dropping body fat. If the individual is dramatically on one side of the BMI scale (morbidly obese for example), then pounds MAY be useful but often lead to frustration. Much of the weight lost in the beginning is water and some muscle. A dramatic weight loss may begin when cutting down sodium, sugar and when weight at different times of day. You can gain/lose a pound depending on your bowel habits so I wouldn't put too much weight (pun intended) on the scale. In fact, I prefer to live without it and recommend the same for many others unless they are strong enough to not get caught up in it. BMI does not indicate body fat levels and as the epidemic of "skinny fat" increases (of normal weight but with a bodyfat level that would indicate an overweight/obese individual and therefore the same health risks as someone who is overweight/obese) and as muscle mass increases BMI become more and more irrelevant. The best ways to measure progress are with photos and measurements.

4) Low intensity exercise burns more fat.
MYTH- The body doesn't have a magic switch that flips on once all our carb stores are eaten up, nor when we've hit the magic number of minutes "required" to turn on our fat burning power. In addition, higher intensity exercise improves cardiovascular health, endurance and resiliency, burns MORE calories (fat is made of calories essentially. One pound of fat=3500 calories), can stimulate metabolism up to 3x longer than boring slow-paced cardio and when done in intervals can be completed in a mere 15 minutes. Far less mind-numbing than that hour on the hamster wheel. Exercise can be done EFFICIENTLY. Quality over quantity, ever time!

5) Chug a protein shake after a workout.
MYTH- There is NO magic in a protein shake BUT there ARE benefits. For example, whey protein (most common post-workout protein supplement used) is incredibly easy and convenient. It can be quickly packed and mixed with water from the fountain and downed with a piece of fruit for a fantastic post-workout snack. Considering there is an ideal window post-exercise of 30-45 minutes where the body is HUNGRY for protein and carbohydrates, when it will soak it up like a sponge and use it to repair the damage done in the gym (essential, otherwise your body is eating away and damaging muscle and never rebuilding. This contributes to the lack of tone many women talk about even though they work out vigorously, though there are many other factors here I could talk about. A fast, easy, convenient meal is is highly beneficial. Whey in liquid form is easily digested and requires less work from the body, meaning it is absorbed fairly quickly (why you probably need a full meal within an hour or two of working out). It seems counterproductive but is necessary. Without adequate post-workout nutrition the immune system may weaken, soreness increases and recovery can take significantly longer increasing risk of injuries.

6) You can spot reduce for tight abs or toned arms.
MYTH- you cannot choose how you STORE fat so what makes you think you can choose how to lose it?? ;) The body is hardwired with genetics. Women tend to store more fat around the buttocks, hips and thighs while men tend to be more evenly distributed. If your abs are your trouble spot you will notice that everything else tends to lean out before that 6-pack really pops. You can improve your body, bring out the GOOD traits of your body (my legs are very heavy in comparison with my shoulders. I cannot build big shoulders, so I can choose to work shoulders more often and legs less often to avoid the large, bulky look they can get) and accentuate those to compliment your body shape and size but you will never be able to build a Kardashian butt without having the benefit of the gene pool. Lifting heavy will accentuate your feminine curves and help create a more desirable shape than what is often created with higher body fat levels and you can round out a pancake butt but keep your expectations realistic. Don't hate on yourself for things you cannot change! You must lose fat all over to lose fat in that trouble area, I guarantee you. You can build muscle (this doesn't happen with 3lb weights) and fill out the area so that it appears more defined but until you lose some of the layer covering the muscle you won't see that "tight" look.

7) You can eat whatever you want as long as you workout.
MYTH- You CANNOT out run a poor diet. I should just end it there but I'll add more! Diet is a good 90% of the equation. Use weights and efficient, occasional cardio, to shape the body and prevent muscle wasting with weight loss. Body fat loss can be achieved with diet alone. Actually you can lose weight on almost any food on the planet but your results, how much fat vs muscle you lose, the shape of your body, building of muscle and having that "fit" and "toned" look will be highly dependent on your diet. You CAN eat whatever you want but you can't eat whatever you want, whenever you want. You can learn to fit in daily treats, social events etc and make it fit WITH your lifestyle (since it really should be a lifestyle, never a diet unless you're an athlete training for an event) without ruining your progress. This takes practice and for most, a little help in the beginning.

8) Cardio is the only way to lose weight.
MYTH- Cardio can actually be the SLOWEST way to lose weight! You CAN workout only 3-4x a week with only 2 cardio sessions and still be fit, lean and healthy. As some points mentioned above, high intensity intervals, for example are much more efficient and exciting.

9) You have to do cardio in the morning on an empty stomach in order to burn fat.
MYTH- When it comes down to it you do whatever gets you up, out and that heart pumping! Many have less excuses and obstacles first thing in the morning, a fresh outlook and energy and a full night's rest under their belt. If you somehow find a way to get yourself to the gym after a long day at work, with dinner to be made, kids to feed, things to tidy and get together for the following day etc etc etc and have the energy to really go for it then don't stop just because you read some article that says morning is better. Even if you DID burn more fat on an empty stomach you'll probably make up for the difference by lacking the vigor and energy you might otherwise have had you eaten a light snack before hitting the weights. Most athletes won't even train on an empty stomach!

10) Drinking ice cold water burns fat.
MYTH- There IS some evidence that dropping body temperature activates the body's brown fat stores (the good kind of fat that is significantly more metabolically active than the fat you're thinking of), though I have never actually seen any good research showing that drinking cold water is anything but refreshing! Even IF it were true the effect would be incredibly minimal. Ice water isn't your secret to skinny and dramatic metabolic boosts, sorry. Just like all the hot peppers in the world won't cure a lack of exercise and poor diet. I have seen this myth get to the point that the person refuses to drink anything but ice water because it's a waste of "calorie burning potential". Trust me, it's not worth worrying much about!

I'm in a magazine!! The Secrets Behind Before and After Photo's

I'm in a magazine ;) :D

I won a contest once that was supposed to get me a magazine ad. I didn't feel good about that ad and was relieved it never ran. Why? Because 6ish weeks later I'd gained 30lbs and felt full of shame. I was struggling with depression and my body was weak and running in constant stress after overtraining and dieting myself for just 6 weeks. This isn't just lack of willpower or weakness. I felt desperate and ashamed of myself, like I'd let my followers down. I struggled to get a grip and couldn't figure out what had happened to me, my mind, my body. I quit my gym and found a new one. For two years I struggled to heal, physiologically and physically. If you've been following my blogs you'll have read the series "Behind the Muscle" where I talk about my dieting journey through the gravel and stone, winding paths and straight up land slides. I didn't just wake up knowing where I was and where to go, it took a lot of self-realization and refusing to live in denial. I had to change my course dozens of times and I failed miserably so many times, doing so much damage so many different ways.

For once it became about HEALTH. Even when contest dieting it seemed to be about starting at crazy low calories, starving, exhaustion and spending hours in the gym. I felt motivated and determined, I was convinced I was doing the best I ever had in my life. I was my fittest, running at 10mph at full incline, doing 2 hours of cardio a day with an hour of circuits (another way to sky-rocket heart rate) on zero carbs with a child. I felt like super woman! So imagine the devastation when it all came crashing down and I realized I had done it wrong the whole time... I had allowed it to happen, chosen to do what I did because I was truly convinced it was what I was supposed to do.

Not every program out there is perfect for everyone, no matter how beneficial and perfect and there are thousands out there that help people (not necessarily making it a healthy option but you're doing what you can with where you're at!) but I can tell you that THIS was exactly what I needed and played a huge part in the path of my life going forward. That isn't everyone's story and this isn't an advertisement for anyone or any company. I won't give you any links on where to buy my products and how much to pay me. This is about the PHILOSOPHY that changed my life. Hehe, that's what Jim Rohn says, by the way! But this is EXACTLY what describes what happened.

Suddenly I began to realize that I was missing the most important part, the part I was refusing to acknowledge was possibly a cause of many of my struggles in life. The pages of my life flash before me- bulimia, over-exercise, over-dieting, diet pils, fad diets, highly restrictive diets cutting out a long list of foods, obsessively counting calories, stimulants and strange diet set ups. I spent hours a day obsessing over MACRO-nutrients (calories, protein, carbs and fat) and simply assumed because I was exercising and eating "healthy" foods that I was meeting all my MICRO-nutrient requirements. I was doing it SO wrong for SO many years. FInally realizing that and accepting it as fact was hard. I had to admit that, though I may know a LOT about things, I was absolutely wrong and missed some seriously important details. AND I like to control things when possible (shocking, right?). What a blow to my ego. But once I made that realization, sucked up my pride and understood that it's FINE to make mistakes, just so long as we are always looking for ways to SOLVE the problem and move forward. LEARN from it. You can't be upset at yourself for screwing something up you didn't even have the knowledge the KNOW you were screwing up with the first time. We do the best with what we have and unfortunately we simply sn't just lack of willpower or weakness. I felt desperate and ashamed of myself, like I'd let my followers down. I struggled to get a grip and couldn't figure out what had happened to me, my mind, my body. I quit my gym and found a new one. For two years I struggled to heal, physiologically and physically. If you've been following my blogs you'll have read the series "Behind the Muscle" where I talk about my dieting journey through the gravel and stone, winding paths and straight up land slides. I didn't just wake up knowing where I was and where to go, it took a lot of self-realization and refusing to live in denial. I had to change my course dozens of times and I failed miserably so many times, doing so much damage so many different ways.

For once it became about HEALTH. Even when contest dieting it seemed to be about starting at crazy low calories, starving, exhaustion and spending hours in the gym. I felt motivated and determined, I was convinced I was doing the best I ever had in my life. I was my fittest, running at 10mph at full incline, doing 2 hours of cardio a day with an hour of circuits (another way to sky-rocket heart rate) on zero carbs with a child. I felt like super woman! So imagine the devastation when it all came crashing down and I realized I had done it wrong the whole time... I had allowed it to happen, chosen to do what I did because I was truly convinced it was what I was supposed to do.

Not every program out there is perfect for everyone, no matter how beneficial and perfect and there are thousands out there that help people (not necessarily making it a healthy option but you're doing what you can with where you're at!) but I can tell you that THIS was exactly what I needed and played a huge part in the path of my life going forward. That isn't everyone's story and this isn't an advertisement for anyone or any company. I won't give you any links on where to buy my products and how much to pay me. This is about the PHILOSOPHY that changed my life. Hehe, that's what Jim Rohn says, by the way! But this is EXACTLY what describes what happened.

Suddenly I began to realize that I was missing the most important part, the part I was refusing to acknowledge was possibly a cause of many of my struggles in life. The pages of my life flash before me- bulimia, over-exercise, over-dieting, diet pils, fad diets, highly restrictive diets cutting out a long list of foods, obsessively counting calories, stimulants and strange diet set ups. I spent hours a day obsessing over MACRO-nutrients (calories, protein, carbs and fat) and simply assumed because I was exercising and eating "healthy" foods that I was meeting all my MICRO-nutrient requirements. I was doing it SO wrong for SO many years. FInally realizing that and accepting it as fact was hard. I had to admit that, though I may know a LOT about things, I was absolutely wrong and missed some seriously important details. AND I like to control things when possible (shocking, right?). What a blow to my ego. But once I made that realization, sucked up my pride and understood that it's FINE to make mistakes, just so long as we are always looking for ways to SOLVE the problem and move forward. LEARN from it. You can't be upset at yourself for screwing something up you didn't even have the knowledge the KNOW you were screwing up with the first time. We do the best with what we have and unfortunately we simply are not born with the knowledge or skills, may have never been taught the REAL information (let's face it, there's a LOT of misinformation out there), or have simply had a misguided mindset at the time.

I felt so much better about this one. Not ashamed, no secrets, no gimmicks and I was truly and honestly the healthiest I had ever been in my life. NOT the skinniest. In fact I was 20lbs heavier in that photo than when I was at my lightest, stepping on stage to compete in figure and bikini. But I felt 1000x BETTER, about myself, my life, my lifestyle and most importantly in terms of my health. Many health "ailments" and vague symptoms I thought were normal began to improve and eventually all but disappear. I got rid of migraines, chronic headaches, extreme constipation issues, chronic fatigue, random pains and malaise.

I see so many suffer with this same mindset, working so hard, trying time and time again only to fail and never really understanding why. For some, it may be your internal philosophy. A desire to SHOULD be focussed on health, not an easy task when everything is calorie and weight (number) focussed. We should not have to feel awful to lose weight, we should not have to live without our favorite things (again, some have medical recommendations that require this or absolutely CAN live a truly healthy and balanced lifestyle with heavy restrictions but for many it's a recipe for disaster). We should not have to spend hours working or need to hire a personal chef, we should not have to take half the day to prep 5 or 6 fresh meals, we should not have to completely overhaul our entire lives to feel and live better. That always starts WITHIN.

<3

Chelsea

Supplements: Wading Through The Shelves

You're gliding through a local store with a mission, headed straight toward the health and supplement section. This is your year! You're going to get healthy! You arrive at your destination and zero in on the hundreds of bottles that seem to stretch for miles in every direction. You manage to find the multi-vitamin section, a simple place to start, you think. Then you realize there's 10 different brands with varying prices. Ok... what do you choose? Cheapest? Do you compare labels and ingredients? Do you have any clue what you're looking for?

It's overwhelming, no doubt. I hear it all the time, many choosing to simply bypass for various reasons. Maybe you've heard they're ineffective, maybe the research seems highly inconclusive and inconsistent, your doctor told you they're a waste of money, you eat well enough and assume you are adequately nourished, or maybe you're just SO overwhelmed by it all that you can't even figure out where to begin.

Wouldn't it be incredible if we could simplify HOW to navigate supplements based on just a few key points?

That's my mission today! Let's clearly lay out some important factors to take into consideration.

Do I NEED to Supplement?
Many assume they eat adequate amounts of food to nourish what their body needs. We pay close attention to calories, fat, protein and carbohydrates yet function on the simple assumption that our cells are meeting their nutritional requirements daily. Let's consider a few issues when it comes to modern-day nutrition.

Daily Diet
Up to 90% of North America believes they "eat healthy", but what if our "map" to eating healthy is flawed? We may consider granola bars, muffins, low fat and fat free products, low calorie snack packs of processed goodies and frozen, highly processed entrees to be a healthy choice. We are misled with marketing, titles, product names and checkmarks to believe what we are choosing is healthy. I remember thinking a Fuzzy Peach candy was a healthy choice because it said FAT FREE on the bag! Further, in the big picture of things it is generally suggested that we focus on eating whole foods 80% of the time, allowing wiggle room for sanity and social purposed to enjoy our favourite, less healthy foods. Is 80% good nutrition truly adequate for our growing nutrients needs combined with declining food quality (see below)? Ideally we should be consuming our nutrition from foods. Unfortunately this is not always realistic. To provide adequate nutrition many of us would require a full-time job raising our own meats, growing our own gardens of varied fruits and vegetables, and control over many factors we simple do not have a lot of control over like stress, environmental toxins, food additives and preservatives and a whole host of factors we may not even be aware of that influence our metabolism and nutrient needs on a day to day basis.

Recent studies suggest that up to 80% of Americans are walking around with nutritional deficiencies, a known cause and contributor to a large number of chronic disease.
You could be one of the 20% if your diet is reaching the recommended servings of fruits, vegetables, you minimize processed and toxin-ridden food, eat mostly organic, grow your own and eliminate household toxins. The only way to know for sure is to spend a little extra on blood analysis. Most physicians won't do a full vitamin/mineral panel blood screen to test for deficiencies without any medical indication to do so but it's always worth a try!

Devitalized Soil
Our soil is only 1/6 of the mineral content it was just 50 years ago, due to conventional farming methods which include adding back only 3 of the multiple minerals depleted through growth, increased yields to provide a higher quantity versus quality, increased pesticide and herbicide use, and improper crop rotation. You would have to eat 6x as much of that vegetable to get the same nutrition as you did 50 years ago. Combine that with a greater level of inactivity and you're sure to miss the mark.

Increased Nutrient Needs
Stress, environmental pollutants, household and personal care chemicals, toxins, pesticides, herbicides, moderate to heavy exercise including weight lifting and running, alcohol and smoking all increase nutrient needs within the body. Stress, for example, produces physiological cascades in the body that require B and C vitamins, among others. Vitamin B is required for cell energy production and carbohydrate and protein metabolism. When these levels are depleted we feel fatigued, run down and less able to cope. We lead higher stress lifestyles than ever before, there's no denying this one!

So you've decided you want to try supplementing, now what?!?!? The information and effectiveness of vitamins seems to change at the blink of an eye and it can be overwhelming figuring out what to look for, how much and why.

First, let's talk about this conflicting information on effectiveness. Much of the talk of dangers of reaching toxic levels, awful side effects like kidney stones, artery calcifications, no positive effects on illness/disease outcomes or prevention, or any other negative association that has come up related to vitamins and minerals has been said of poor quality supplements such as synthetic (man-made) and isoalted (out of balance with nature) nutrients.

I hear a lot of fear-mongering about the dangers and cautions of vitamins so let's put it into perspective. In a 20 year review of all the literature there was 2.5 million deaths from properly prescribed drugs and other health care errors. In that exact same 20 year period, there were only TWO deaths that were "possibly" attributed to vitamins, both of which were extremely high, unrealistic doses. If you've ever watched the documentary Food Matters then you've heard this statistic! I find it a bit ironic, myself, that we are so afraid of vitamins yet so readily pop as aspirin for a headache, without so much as a second thought related to side effects.

So how to we distinguish poor quality from high quality?

HOW THEY'RE MADE
This is ALWAYS first and foremost. Vitamins are made one of THREE ways.
1) Synthetic. Man-made, fake, nothing natural about them. Every study I have seen showing any negative or ineffective effects of vitamins have been on synthetic vitamins!!! EVERY one. Smokers and beta-carotene, synthetic, vitamin D toxicity- Synthetic, calcium buildup in arteries and kidney's- synthetic! The list goes on. All this fear-mongering is on SYNTHETIC vitamins.

So, how do you know what are synthetics? Biggest clue are those sold at Walmart, drug stores, GNC (prenatal and children's vitamins included). You'll also see "dl-" in front of ingredient names. Synthetics are also often full of fillers and additives. You get what you pay for here, people. Unless you're comparing two synthetic brands at Walmart, then the more expensive one is the exact same as the cheap one. Why? Because there are only a few HUGE companies that manufacture allllllll of these different vitamins in your stores.

2)Isolated- IsolateVitamins taken from real things/food but the desired vitamin is isolated (often with heat which is cheapest and kills active enzymes). Sounds good? Think about this one... there are MANY vitamins out there that are NOT safe if taken in large doses alone. When taken the way it's meant to in nature, with cofactors, other vitamins that balance WITH the desired nutrient (essentially helps the body avoid toxicity as well as improves bioavailablility) the body is better able to cope and put those nutrients to work where they're needed. Vitamin E for example can be VERY dangerous when taken alone in high doses but do you ever get warnings about eating too many nuts for fear of vitamin E poisoning? Didn't think so.

These are often found in health food stores. The bottle will read, "derived from", "naturally sourced from" or something to that effect.

3) Whole Food- Essentially taking a whole food and breaking it down into pill form. This is what supplements are supposed to be! If you do not have any specific nutritional limitations on the food you eat then you can be rest assured taking these food supplements will be just like increasing your intake of any food containing those nutrients.

Whole food vitamins cost more, they are not as easy to find but these are worth the extra effort to find. I have never seen a study with negative outcomes from a whole food supplement.

QUALITY ISSUES
There are definitely some rampant quality issues everyone should be aware of when looking for a supplement company or brand.

1) Bioavailability
Very simply put this means that our bodies are complex and designed in a way to absorb and utilize nutrients from food through digestion. Not all nutrients are absorbed at the same time from the same place or provide equal benefit in doing so. For example, Folic Acid actually provides a far greater benefit when released and absorbed very quickly in the stomach. Omega supplements will avoid a fishy burp when released in the duodenum versus the stomach and probiotics will provide a dramatically greater effect when released in the colon where it is needed versus being released in the stomach where the highly acid environment will kill off all but traces of the live, active cultures before nearing the colon.
This issue is common when it comes to effectiveness of supplements and actually feeling a difference. It is one thing to say it is a bioavailable product but is there any clinical research that proves it is? This would be the best, most concrete way of backing up the claim with solid evidence, as many natural companies will simply list bioavailable on the label.

2) Stability
If you look closely at a bottle you will likely find somewhere that says, "at time of manufacture" when pertaining to the amount of ingredient within. This means that the company has not done any testing to ensure or guarantee that what you are paying for on the label is actually in the bottle. Again, this is a large issue with probiotics as they are highly sensitive to their environment. If it is not very well encapsulated in a scientific way then they often need to be refrigerated.
In many clinical tests analyzing labels claims brands have very often failed to meet their own claims when tested. Calcum, green tea extract, most herbs, probiotics, garlic and allicin of all different quality types and levels have come back containing as little as ZERO active ingredient while many groups have between 10-60%. If you want more information on this issue you can sign up with ConsumerLabs.com and check out their libraries of testing done on your most popular store brand names and how they measure up with label claims. It's a fantastic resource!

3) Contamination
Believe it or not, this is a real issue. Industry standards require testing of only raw materials (which still remains flawed with its grey areas) with the trust that contamination will not happen in processing, therefore finished products are not required to be tested. Additionally, industry standards require testing of only 50 contaminants. I have only seen one company that tests for over 350 in every single batch of every finished product produced in its facility.
A perfect example of this was the study done by the FDA in 2008 on hundreds of women's and children' vitamins, including prenatals. The study found that over 324 brands of vitamins were contaminated with lead! The study was posted online as a "buyer beware" and those supplements were not taken off the market or required to fix the problem. Daily lead recommendations have been set by Health Canada to not exceed 1.5mcg per day. Across North America recommendations are now being lowered to ZERO after new research shows clear links to lead levels in the blood of children and developmental challenges and lowered IQ scores. Here's the link to the FDA study http://www.fda.gov/Food/FoodborneIllnessContaminants/Metals/ucm115941.htm
InnerLight Supergreens was found to contain over 19mcg of lead when tested by Consumer Labs. Metagenics Rice Protein was found to contain nearly 6mcg of lead per serving when tested by Consumer Labs.

4) Heat Processing
Heat processing to extract vitamins and nutrients is the cheapest, quickest route. Heat kills active, live enzymes present in natural living food. This won't apply to synthetic vitamins but applies to isolated and whole food vitamins. Have you ever heard that sprouting provides health benefits? This is the same idea that raw food enthusiasts relate to. Though I do not believe it is necessary, or plausible, for most to consume a strictly raw diet it is important to note that when taking a food supplement, you will find a greater number of benefits with cold processing versus heat processing for this simplified reason.

It is worth doing some research to find what feels right for you. Use this guide when researching online, ask questions, send the company and email, look for the evidence and research. Invest in basic whole food supplements to keep cost down and focus on making better food choices every day. If you live a high stress lifestyle it might be worth investing in some combined B+C vitamins, especially if you're lacking energy and are already eating a diet rich in fruits, vegetables, lean meats, whole grains and healthy fats.

Cheers,

Chelsea

REALLY Want to Reach your Health and Fitness Goals???

Have you ever felt like you've somehow fallen into a 10 foot hole? One day you look around and realize just how deep you've gone and are surrounded by silent, lonely, desperate darkness. There are only shadows around you and the echo of your own voice, a voice you're not even sure you recognize. You try to find a way out, determined, you begin to climb only to fall. It doesn't take long to feel hopeless as you realize the impossible climb before you.

You know, it is easy to look at another person's "chapter 10" and compare it to your "chapter one", isn't it? This philosophy changed my thinking. How often do you compare yourself to others in a day, sensationalizing their desirable traits, focussing on all that seems perfect and effortless? After all, how difficult can it seem when they are living it before your very eyes?

I've been on both ends. It's no secret that I have my darkness behind me. I have been there! I have felt that desperate loneliness, as though not a soul could possibly understand my deep pain and torment. I remember truly despising myself to the point that nothing mattered, not my health, not my life. I just wanted to be beautiful, to be liked, to be desired and accepted. I went through deep depression, general and social anxiety, an extremely low self-esteem and sheer self-hatred, ruthless self-criticism, teasing, bullying, abuse. I suffered extreme binge eating and the only way I could control my emotions was with food, but I needed control in one small area of my life so desperately that I couldn't accept it. I had to purge. I had to rid myself of the filth.

Let's not stay here... you get the idea, right? You might look at my Facebook profile photo, my blog photo, my happy family and it may be easy to assume that it all came effortlessly, naturally and without pain and struggle. But that's far from truth.

One day, in the hospital for intense treatment, I realized that I had to make a decision. For MYSELF. Amongst all the chaos and unpredictability of life I had to make a choice to get better. It was only weeks before finding out I was pregnant with my first son, which only strengthened my resolve. I had to make the decision for MYSELF. That I would NOT spend the rest of my life this way. I did think about having kids one day, years down the road and I thought about my boyfriend whom I knew I loved with all my heart and soul and would marry one day (and I did). I did NOT want to mess this up by being so messed up.

So I made a choice. I took responsibility for my future and resolved to get healthy, inside and out, no matter what it took. I didn't expect it to be easy and smooth, no I knew better. I remember sitting there, forced to just exist as myself, with my FEELINGS, without my crutch and distraction of food. No cookies to distract me from my demons. I remember how deeply uncomfortable I felt, how time dragged by, how I just couldn't figure out what to do with myself and how awful it felt to just feel so crawly in my own skin. I wanted to make it GO AWAY, but that's what got me here in the first place.

No, it wasn't easy. Eight years later it STILL isn't easy. I make a lot of mistakes, I say and do the wrong things. Sometimes I feel like I'm a new person but these flashes of the old me can't help but break through the cracks in my skin. Sometimes I crack and crumble, I fall apart and I feel like it will never get better. But then I remember and realize just how far I've come.

It wasn't easy. It STILL isn't easy! I struggle with my brain every single day. Some days are better than others but it honestly feels like a constant struggle (I promise it's not, we just have that tendency to focus on the negative. If you don't believe me write down all the moments in a day you struggle and you'll not only notice it lessen over the weeks and months but you'll realize how many hours in a day you're "normal"). I still don't see an accurate reflection in the mirror, the reflection others see. It's a lifelong journey and you HAVE to accept this if you want to keep moving forward. There is no 12 week program or transformation miracle that will fix all your internal problems, the problems that drive every single conflict within ourselves. Just like alcoholism, consider it a disease. You gain strength and skills, you learn to cope and keep it at bay but must always be mindful of your demons. We all have them.

You see, we get so caught up looking at how far the top of that hole is, how high the mountain is we need to climb, and we completely lose sight of just how important every single step is to take us there. Without each and every little step forward we would never get there. If we don't get back up and try again, try a new approach, learn and figure out WHY it didn't work, we would never get there.

Do you see the significance of this seemingly simple decision? I'm not talking about just saying you'll do it, nor am I talking about finding all the tools first. NO ONE has all the tools frist, that's what falling is for! I'm talking about making that brick-walled, steel-strong, no doubts, sheer and utter soul-shaking decision that you WILL get better because you DESERVE to live better. Your CHILDREN, family, friends, loved ones DESERVE that role model, that life. NO one is lost, no one is hopeless. If they were then I would have been cast into the depths of the shadows forever.

Why not YOU? Keep fighting for it and I guarantee you will be out there one day telling your success story.

Beneath the Muscle: Trying to Control the Uncontrollable

Trying to Control the Uncontrollable

We ALL want more control over our lives. In fact, for some, the biggest struggles of our lives revolve around this control issue. For someone who has had the ultimate of control over the body at various points in life one can probably imagine the terror involved when that control is lost. It all cases thus far in my lifetime my extreme efforts to gain control and become BETTER have all backfired tremendously.

I began gripping my uncontrollable cupboard attacks by finding ways to purge my indulgences. It didn't take long to backfire as I spiralled into an uncontrollable web of bingeing and purging. I fell pregnant and felt like I had control, eating what I wanted, when I wanted, until my son was born and I realized I had really only lost complete control and gained 60lbs, not healthy weight either. I regained control immediately and dropped all 60lbs and then some, got on stage 4x in what appeared to be the PEAK of all control, to get into single digit body fat levels, buff and tough like never before. I was the picture of self-control. Yet inside I was still an uncontrollable mess, struggling with myself and my need to EAT. Again, my control backfired as I spiralled into a cycle of overtraining and dieting, and, ultimately metabolic damage. My body took over completely, once again, gained 30lbs in 6-8 weeks and responded horribly to physical exertion and exercise. I was depressed, anxious and felt like a complete and utter embarrassing failure.

Life will Continue Bringing the same Lessons Until we Learn what is REQUIRED

Falling pregnant with my second son was planned and I started out at a higher weight, still struggling with the damage done. I would still gain 3lbs in a weekend off track (not even bingeing but eating differently), with a couple extra desserts or extra sodium. But now it would never come off. The weight would just keep piling on, whereas before my body was able to fire up its engines and level out within 3-5 days. Usually it was water weight gained and would propel my metabolism into the burning zone again. So, heading in I wanted to ensure I had a great deal of control over my eating. In the first trimester I struggled with severe nausea and acid reflux. I could barley eat. Nearing 10-11 weeks I began to feel better and thought for sure I'd lost 5-10lbs, especially considering I started this whole ordeal on the higher end of the scale. Nope. I'd gained 3lbs.

This is where I began to feel true despair and fear. My tendency toward completely irrational thoughts started like a runaway train on steroids. Suddenly I could envision myself gaining 80-100lbs while consuming a reasonable, if not LOW amount of calories. I committed to 1800 calories a day in order to keep my weight in check but it was never enough.

My appetite was still lacking and now I was dealing with a slowed digestive system thanks to pregnancy hormones working hard to suck up every ounce of nutrition and I felt full and bloated even at that but I was unwilling to go lower, KNOWING full well that I should DEFINITELY be eating markedly more. But I wasn't willing to gain the weight. The SCALE was more important.

I struggled with extreme constipation, up to 12 days at times, as my metabolism struggled, my body slowed, I continued popping my synthetic iron (which we later had to switch to chlorophyll because NOTHING was helping, this synthetic iron is not broken down well and is highly constipating at the best of times). I struggled with self-image, though happy to be taking a more balanced approach. I enjoyed my treats daily in moderate amounts, fit them into calories, continued to focus on a healthy diet 80% of the time, lots of protein and veggies, working out 3x a week, lifting weights and minimal cardio. Things were looking really good, actually. I had made HUGE improvements from my first pregnancy and I CANNOT down play that. But my mentality was still off, this mentality that has always gotten me into trouble. And my body still struggled to keep up. In the end I did fabulous, only gained 30 healthy pounds and remained fairly fit and active. But I tell ya, I had many a melt down!! Every single day I was worried about how much weight I was gaining, how fast, how big was I getting, would I be as small as the next girl, did she gain more than me or less than me, how do I measure up with other prego's? It was constant.

It's Never as Easy as it Seems

Just goes to show that no matter how it looks on the outside we all have our struggles. And when my son was born I only dropped 17lbs within the first two weeks and was left with the remaining 13lbs to lose PLUS the original 10-15bs I had not needed prior to pregnancy, anyway.

With my first the weight fell off, it seemed. With my healthy metabolism and younger, more resilient body. I sincerely hoped pregnancy would completely reset my body and I could be skinny-minny in months again. Not so much. It turned out to be one of the most moving journey's of my life to date, filled with much struggle and re-adjusting of my personal "rules" and regulations for a skinny body. If I wanted to be healthy I couldn't do what I'd done thus far. KNOWING it is one thing, TRUSTING it and being able to actually CHANGE that is another!

<3 Chelsea <3

Beneath the Muscle: Losing Control

Finding beauty while your body has decided to defy all efforts to "get healthy" is horrifying. Have you ever felt a complete loss of control over yourself after having control in the utmost strict sense? For anyone this can be truly terrifying, as you are forced to continue this walk into the unknown, where the terrain is impossible to see more than your two feet in front of you. You begin to feel like you're fighting every obstacle possible. You begin your journey, completely unaware that you will be entering the land of mud, rain, heat, lightening and violent winds and there is no option of turning back. You are CERTAIN you are making the right decision and pour every ounce of your being into that decision, determined to be better, do greater things. Suddenly, you feel this sense of inner purpose playing out and begin to ignore all the warning signs, determined to fight your way through adversity and come out on top, after all, thousands have done it before you. And no one ever told you what happens when you lose control of the terrain and environment. No one warned you what happens when you get too deep, too fast and ignore those warning signs because you just didn't know in the first place.

Welcome to Metabolic Damage.

This isn't limited to the world of competitive fitness. Oh no, enter chronic dieters, fad dieters and sometimes even those who tried one or two things and worked SO hard, and unknown to them, the WRONG way, and that was enough. It is an adaptive response as the body desperately tries to halt your efforts as it's programmed to retain energy stores. You can have this normally with dieting and, if done properly, has no long-term effects. If done improperly, as such is the case with rapid weight loss and extreme dieting over extended periods, you CAN damage your metabolism. Each of us ends up here with a different story, a different path, and the invisible terrain we are required to cross into healing can be more violent for some than others. Each individual's journey is their own.

Metabolism, Good or Bad, is ALWAYS a Progression Over Time

If you've been reading along then you know it happened over the course of two years with a heavier emphasis on my final competitive season. Two competitions and a total training time of approximately 6 months if my memory serves me correct. Of course, I had a history of poor eating habits, flat-out disordered eating and exercise habits and some metabolic damage as a result but my first pregnancy literally seemed to catapult me into recovery without me having to truly realize my mistakes.

So in good spirit, life brings the same challenges repeatedly until we learn our lessons, right? And so that is what happened. I starved and binged my way to skinny, still hated myself and decided to get uber-healthy by getting competitive with fitness and taking the stage by storm with unrealistic expectations and an outlandish approach. I was willing to nearly kill myself to make it to that stage the "best" I could be. That is all I wanted, to do my best, as always.

Battling in Silence

This was one of the loneliest times of my life. I feared talking about it, I didn't fully understand what was happening until my endless chatting and writing on message boards brought me to a group of amazing women on a bodybuilding website that weren't afraid to talk about this issue hidden in the dark. My eyes were opened, the moment the "light" turned on I will never forget. An epiphany of sorts.

I kept quiet because I felt deeply embarrassed and ashamed. I felt like a failure! I heard the whispers around me about my situation, my decisions and leaving multiple coaches in my first two years. What did I know, right? How dare I judge and leave. I changed gyms and stopped going into the free weight area. I hated seeing my "new" body in the mirror, couldn't accept it, and felt like I didn't deserve to be there. There were many times I still felt like that tiny, skinny girl and, after catching sight of myself or photos, recoiled in disbelief. It was such a dramatic and appalling transformation. My dreams were shattered.

At first I thought it was just a simple burnout that needed rest and relaxation but began to realize it was more. After 2 months struggling in the gym on my own and gaining over 25lbs in 6-8 weeks (on 1800 calories at 5'9" and quite active, which SHOULD be a fat loss equation), physically exhausted after incredibly mild workouts (compared to what I had become accustomed to). I started reaching out for help, the few names I was given that had experience with this kind of issue charged a GREAT DEAL of money. Worth it? Sure... but there was literally no way to even pay it, only weeks before our wedding and a dress that was not likely to even fit. I even received a couple responses from trainers willing to help me continue dieting down so I could fit into my wedding dress. At this point I knew this was a HUGE red flag from any coach or trainer. You CANNOT diet your way out of a situation that DIETING got you into in the first place. This is NOT easy to accept, especially when we are conditioned and have learned that dieting and dropping sizes can fix many things.

Plan for Success: Ignorance is NEVER Bliss

I started at 4 carbs/ day (being 1/4 cup oats or 1/2 cup rice. No bread/pasta, no beef). I was then cut in half within the first 2 weeks. Then I was dropped to zero carbs at about the halfway point (6 weeks in) to kick things up. My coach wanted me to win and I knew I could. I trained so hard. I had never cheated like the last year, cut out cheat meals altogether 4 weeks out from my shows (and they were 4 weeks apart so I basically went 8-9 weeks with only 1 cheat). Turns out cheating is what saved me last year! I listened to my body more last year, trusted my knowledge and instincts and kept my body functioning well by cheating on my plans. Again, stopped cheating the previous year between my first and second shows, added more cardio and cut more food and, well, you saw the result in the previous blogs. This second year I thought I was wrong...two trainers in a row that cut all my carbs and gave me completely draining workouts? I was just being a wimp, had to suck it up and push even harder. And I did notice how sensitive I had become to EVERYTHING. Salt, carbs, anything would make me feel puffy. I was doing the 2hrs cardio with my weights for a good 8-10 weeks. The thought almost makes me dizzy...speaking of dizzy I suffered with that constantly. Huge head rushes, a few times I thought I would pass out, once I was at the top of a flight of stairs. I couldn't think or function so that's why I was downing ephedrine and caffeine...desperate to numb the hunger and lethargy. I was even told NOT to eat through my ENTIRE 12 hour night shifts because we store fat at night (I've never seen any evidence on this, by the way). I remember watching the other nurses snack all night, starving. 

Life Lessons

I was given the lessons I needed to learn, to trust myself, to trust my knowledge and ability to get through the hard time and to realize we all make mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes cause a great ripple effect but in the big picture of my life it won't be so horrifying. The mental effects of this diet mentality goes much deeper than the physical and take much longer to repair. This mentality has always been with me and has been something I struggle with on a daily basis, it's only the core challenges that change through time. I am getting better, stronger each day, but I still have a long way to go.


<3 Chelsea <3



If you're ready to lose the RIGHT kind of weight and can relate with the story above, still struggling to find your way, contact me to get started on your path to healthy, long-term and sustainable weight loss. FAT, not muscle. Sacrificing your body and sanity just aren't worth it. Chelsea_knox@hotmail.com   Practical nutrition advisor, wellness coach, registered nurse and contest prep coach in training.

Beneath the Muscle: Finding Beauty

I think there can be great motivation found in the world of health and fitness, of photos of buff women, fit mother's of five, and women reaching their goals. There is NOTHING wrong with a woman who prefers the look of bodybuilders and that is her journey, there is NOTHING wrong with women who prefer a softer, curvier look. I'm not attacking any of these things but simply focussing on those LESS COMMON bodies that aren't featured in magazines, fitness calendars and articles. Motivation is one thing, but why aren't we motivated by less than perfect women? Why isn't there any variations in these worlds for other women? Why does it NEED to be extreme to be motivating? I know why...and I'm tired of it.

Why don't we talk about genetics and how that determines what your body will look like? I HATE hearing women hate on their bodies because they don't look like the women in any magazine I've seen, always super lean and buff or super skinny or it jumps to "plus size". Why do they always have tiny waists, wider hips and tiny thighs with a well balanced proportion overall? What about pear shapes and everything else? WHEN the hell did we decide that this was the "perfect" body anyway? It doesn't seem to matter where you look, whether it's with super-skinny models or fitness models, the difference seems to be in muscular tone but the body shape in general still falls into that "ideal" category.

I'm sorry but am I the only one that finds THIS stuff motivating??

Even within the last year, before I get into some of my old "diaries" through metabolic damage, I HATED my body because it wasn't as tiny and slim as it used to be. I still didn't fit into the tiny, fit model status and would never be featured in a magazine because I wasn't "small" enough. But after two kids my hips literally wouldn't shrink beyond a size 5-7. I was not the before and after who fit a 2 and would have to starve myself to get there. I won't be on your fitness calendar and therefore felt like I didn't DESERVE to love my body until it was perfect.

In each of these photos I was never good enough, I didn't compare to those magazine women, airbrushed and touched up to no end, dieted down, dehydrated and pumped up. What I didn't understand was that there was a TON of work and prep that goes into those shoots and the look delivered is NOT realistic for everyday, healthy living. I remember a trainer telling me she never got periods and that's how she knew she was lean enough. Really? Is that healthy?

WHAT"S WRONG WITH ANY OF THIS? Nothing. THIS is what I'm talking about, I'm not bashing anyone who doesn't look like this but THIS is healthy body for most people who aren't obsessed with food and fitness. THIS is healthy for ME, outside but also INSIDE (ie not starving or severely restricting foods and socially isolating myself). My mind was not there yet... because I hated myself.

THIS picture. Yup, I felt like a TANK yet look... this is not an unhealthy look. THis was probably when my truly healthy journey really started to begin, AFTER hitting my lowest weight and then crashing into oblivion. I had ignored the signs long enough, I had refused to pay attention to the importance of HEALTH, balance and living in harmony with the junk food that tugged my soul and I really had no desire to give up permanently. Why should I have to choose between happiness and skinny? I worked out 3-4x a week for 30-45 minutes each, little to no cardio (during rehab of the metabolism this is very important) and ate well balanced meals 90% of the time. And I looked like this, yet felt like a failure.

 But look, I don't have the genetics for figure. To build the shoulders I would have to work years and even then would probably never be superior to those with the genetics for a heavier upper body. Blocky quads and a small upper body mean I just wasn't born with an ideal body shape and the only time I ever got close was below 130lbs.

In every single case I had to have disordered, unhealthy eating and lifestyle to reach that goal of looking like those bodies. Looking back I am finally able to see the beauty in those photos yet still suffer from body dysmorphia (I do not see in the mirror what is actually there, I see something ugly, and large even when I am small). It is a daily struggle but has come a long way. 

If you look like the magazines then that's great! Awesome, good for you! ESPECIALLY if you've found a way to do it in a healthy, balanced and sane way that doesn't compromise social activities, events, relationships and your period. If you're healthy and 200 lbs that's FANTASTIC too! I'm not going sink down to anyone else's level and start bashing anyone for who they are, BUT I WILL stand up for women of all shapes and sizes and promote HEALTHY LIVING. STOP bashing your body and yourself, this shit needs to stop. The generations coming behind us are continuing these behaviours and modelling exactly what we do. Standing in front of the mirror judging yourself harshly rubs off on your child. One day I caught my son saying he was fat and I have no memory of saying that in front of him... until I caught myself saying something one day. I didn't think he could hear but there's many things I don't think he can hear then repeats. Children are incredibly smart and intuitive. 

Of course it is always within US, it is OUR responsibility to work on how we think, but what we're exposed to day in and day out has a large impact on our thoughts and ideals as well. These "ideal" body shapes were CREATED. Love yourself, be proud, stand out, go against the grain and most of all NEVER call others down for where they are at on their journey. You have NO idea the battles and challenges they face and chances are they are thinking the same or worse about themselves. Be compassionate, the world needs more of that. <3

Chelsea