Trying to Control the Uncontrollable
We ALL want more control over our lives. In fact, for some, the biggest struggles of our lives revolve around this control issue. For someone who has had the ultimate of control over the body at various points in life one can probably imagine the terror involved when that control is lost. It all cases thus far in my lifetime my extreme efforts to gain control and become BETTER have all backfired tremendously.
I began gripping my uncontrollable cupboard attacks by finding ways to purge my indulgences. It didn't take long to backfire as I spiralled into an uncontrollable web of bingeing and purging. I fell pregnant and felt like I had control, eating what I wanted, when I wanted, until my son was born and I realized I had really only lost complete control and gained 60lbs, not healthy weight either. I regained control immediately and dropped all 60lbs and then some, got on stage 4x in what appeared to be the PEAK of all control, to get into single digit body fat levels, buff and tough like never before. I was the picture of self-control. Yet inside I was still an uncontrollable mess, struggling with myself and my need to EAT. Again, my control backfired as I spiralled into a cycle of overtraining and dieting, and, ultimately metabolic damage. My body took over completely, once again, gained 30lbs in 6-8 weeks and responded horribly to physical exertion and exercise. I was depressed, anxious and felt like a complete and utter embarrassing failure.
Life will Continue Bringing the same Lessons Until we Learn what is REQUIRED
Falling pregnant with my second son was planned and I started out at a higher weight, still struggling with the damage done. I would still gain 3lbs in a weekend off track (not even bingeing but eating differently), with a couple extra desserts or extra sodium. But now it would never come off. The weight would just keep piling on, whereas before my body was able to fire up its engines and level out within 3-5 days. Usually it was water weight gained and would propel my metabolism into the burning zone again. So, heading in I wanted to ensure I had a great deal of control over my eating. In the first trimester I struggled with severe nausea and acid reflux. I could barley eat. Nearing 10-11 weeks I began to feel better and thought for sure I'd lost 5-10lbs, especially considering I started this whole ordeal on the higher end of the scale. Nope. I'd gained 3lbs.
This is where I began to feel true despair and fear. My tendency toward completely irrational thoughts started like a runaway train on steroids. Suddenly I could envision myself gaining 80-100lbs while consuming a reasonable, if not LOW amount of calories. I committed to 1800 calories a day in order to keep my weight in check but it was never enough.
My appetite was still lacking and now I was dealing with a slowed digestive system thanks to pregnancy hormones working hard to suck up every ounce of nutrition and I felt full and bloated even at that but I was unwilling to go lower, KNOWING full well that I should DEFINITELY be eating markedly more. But I wasn't willing to gain the weight. The SCALE was more important.
I struggled with extreme constipation, up to 12 days at times, as my metabolism struggled, my body slowed, I continued popping my synthetic iron (which we later had to switch to chlorophyll because NOTHING was helping, this synthetic iron is not broken down well and is highly constipating at the best of times). I struggled with self-image, though happy to be taking a more balanced approach. I enjoyed my treats daily in moderate amounts, fit them into calories, continued to focus on a healthy diet 80% of the time, lots of protein and veggies, working out 3x a week, lifting weights and minimal cardio. Things were looking really good, actually. I had made HUGE improvements from my first pregnancy and I CANNOT down play that. But my mentality was still off, this mentality that has always gotten me into trouble. And my body still struggled to keep up. In the end I did fabulous, only gained 30 healthy pounds and remained fairly fit and active. But I tell ya, I had many a melt down!! Every single day I was worried about how much weight I was gaining, how fast, how big was I getting, would I be as small as the next girl, did she gain more than me or less than me, how do I measure up with other prego's? It was constant.
It's Never as Easy as it Seems
Just goes to show that no matter how it looks on the outside we all have our struggles. And when my son was born I only dropped 17lbs within the first two weeks and was left with the remaining 13lbs to lose PLUS the original 10-15bs I had not needed prior to pregnancy, anyway.
With my first the weight fell off, it seemed. With my healthy metabolism and younger, more resilient body. I sincerely hoped pregnancy would completely reset my body and I could be skinny-minny in months again. Not so much. It turned out to be one of the most moving journey's of my life to date, filled with much struggle and re-adjusting of my personal "rules" and regulations for a skinny body. If I wanted to be healthy I couldn't do what I'd done thus far. KNOWING it is one thing, TRUSTING it and being able to actually CHANGE that is another!
<3 Chelsea <3
Wednesday 29 January 2014
Sunday 26 January 2014
Beneath the Muscle: Losing Control
Welcome to Metabolic Damage.
This isn't limited to the world of competitive fitness. Oh no, enter chronic dieters, fad dieters and sometimes even those who tried one or two things and worked SO hard, and unknown to them, the WRONG way, and that was enough. It is an adaptive response as the body desperately tries to halt your efforts as it's programmed to retain energy stores. You can have this normally with dieting and, if done properly, has no long-term effects. If done improperly, as such is the case with rapid weight loss and extreme dieting over extended periods, you CAN damage your metabolism. Each of us ends up here with a different story, a different path, and the invisible terrain we are required to cross into healing can be more violent for some than others. Each individual's journey is their own.
Metabolism, Good or Bad, is ALWAYS a Progression Over Time
If you've been reading along then you know it happened over the course of two years with a heavier emphasis on my final competitive season. Two competitions and a total training time of approximately 6 months if my memory serves me correct. Of course, I had a history of poor eating habits, flat-out disordered eating and exercise habits and some metabolic damage as a result but my first pregnancy literally seemed to catapult me into recovery without me having to truly realize my mistakes.
So in good spirit, life brings the same challenges repeatedly until we learn our lessons, right? And so that is what happened. I starved and binged my way to skinny, still hated myself and decided to get uber-healthy by getting competitive with fitness and taking the stage by storm with unrealistic expectations and an outlandish approach. I was willing to nearly kill myself to make it to that stage the "best" I could be. That is all I wanted, to do my best, as always.
Battling in Silence
This was one of the loneliest times of my life. I feared talking about it, I didn't fully understand what was happening until my endless chatting and writing on message boards brought me to a group of amazing women on a bodybuilding website that weren't afraid to talk about this issue hidden in the dark. My eyes were opened, the moment the "light" turned on I will never forget. An epiphany of sorts.
I kept quiet because I felt deeply embarrassed and ashamed. I felt like a failure! I heard the whispers around me about my situation, my decisions and leaving multiple coaches in my first two years. What did I know, right? How dare I judge and leave. I changed gyms and stopped going into the free weight area. I hated seeing my "new" body in the mirror, couldn't accept it, and felt like I didn't deserve to be there. There were many times I still felt like that tiny, skinny girl and, after catching sight of myself or photos, recoiled in disbelief. It was such a dramatic and appalling transformation. My dreams were shattered.
At first I thought it was just a simple burnout that needed rest and relaxation but began to realize it was more. After 2 months struggling in the gym on my own and gaining over 25lbs in 6-8 weeks (on 1800 calories at 5'9" and quite active, which SHOULD be a fat loss equation), physically exhausted after incredibly mild workouts (compared to what I had become accustomed to). I started reaching out for help, the few names I was given that had experience with this kind of issue charged a GREAT DEAL of money. Worth it? Sure... but there was literally no way to even pay it, only weeks before our wedding and a dress that was not likely to even fit. I even received a couple responses from trainers willing to help me continue dieting down so I could fit into my wedding dress. At this point I knew this was a HUGE red flag from any coach or trainer. You CANNOT diet your way out of a situation that DIETING got you into in the first place. This is NOT easy to accept, especially when we are conditioned and have learned that dieting and dropping sizes can fix many things.
Plan for Success: Ignorance is NEVER Bliss
I started at 4 carbs/ day (being 1/4 cup oats or 1/2 cup rice. No bread/pasta, no beef). I was then cut in half within the first 2 weeks. Then I was dropped to zero carbs at about the halfway point (6 weeks in) to kick things up. My coach wanted me to win and I knew I could. I trained so hard. I had never cheated like the last year, cut out cheat meals altogether 4 weeks out from my shows (and they were 4 weeks apart so I basically went 8-9 weeks with only 1 cheat). Turns out cheating is what saved me last year! I listened to my body more last year, trusted my knowledge and instincts and kept my body functioning well by cheating on my plans. Again, stopped cheating the previous year between my first and second shows, added more cardio and cut more food and, well, you saw the result in the previous blogs. This second year I thought I was wrong...two trainers in a row that cut all my carbs and gave me completely draining workouts? I was just being a wimp, had to suck it up and push even harder. And I did notice how sensitive I had become to EVERYTHING. Salt, carbs, anything would make me feel puffy. I was doing the 2hrs cardio with my weights for a good 8-10 weeks. The thought almost makes me dizzy...speaking of dizzy I suffered with that constantly. Huge head rushes, a few times I thought I would pass out, once I was at the top of a flight of stairs. I couldn't think or function so that's why I was downing ephedrine and caffeine...desperate to numb the hunger and lethargy. I was even told NOT to eat through my ENTIRE 12 hour night shifts because we store fat at night (I've never seen any evidence on this, by the way). I remember watching the other nurses snack all night, starving.
Life Lessons
I was given the lessons I needed to learn, to trust myself, to trust my knowledge and ability to get through the hard time and to realize we all make mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes cause a great ripple effect but in the big picture of my life it won't be so horrifying. The mental effects of this diet mentality goes much deeper than the physical and take much longer to repair. This mentality has always been with me and has been something I struggle with on a daily basis, it's only the core challenges that change through time. I am getting better, stronger each day, but I still have a long way to go.
<3 Chelsea <3
If you're ready to lose the RIGHT kind of weight and can relate with the story above, still struggling to find your way, contact me to get started on your path to healthy, long-term and sustainable weight loss. FAT, not muscle. Sacrificing your body and sanity just aren't worth it. Chelsea_knox@hotmail.com Practical nutrition advisor, wellness coach, registered nurse and contest prep coach in training.
Saturday 25 January 2014
Beneath the Muscle: Finding Beauty
I think there can be great motivation found in the world of health and fitness, of photos of buff women, fit mother's of five, and women reaching their goals. There is NOTHING wrong with a woman who prefers the look of bodybuilders and that is her journey, there is NOTHING wrong with women who prefer a softer, curvier look. I'm not attacking any of these things but simply focussing on those LESS COMMON bodies that aren't featured in magazines, fitness calendars and articles. Motivation is one thing, but why aren't we motivated by less than perfect women? Why isn't there any variations in these worlds for other women? Why does it NEED to be extreme to be motivating? I know why...and I'm tired of it.
Why don't we talk about genetics and how that determines what your body will look like? I HATE hearing women hate on their bodies because they don't look like the women in any magazine I've seen, always super lean and buff or super skinny or it jumps to "plus size". Why do they always have tiny waists, wider hips and tiny thighs with a well balanced proportion overall? What about pear shapes and everything else? WHEN the hell did we decide that this was the "perfect" body anyway? It doesn't seem to matter where you look, whether it's with super-skinny models or fitness models, the difference seems to be in muscular tone but the body shape in general still falls into that "ideal" category.
I'm sorry but am I the only one that finds THIS stuff motivating??
Even within the last year, before I get into some of my old "diaries" through metabolic damage, I HATED my body because it wasn't as tiny and slim as it used to be. I still didn't fit into the tiny, fit model status and would never be featured in a magazine because I wasn't "small" enough. But after two kids my hips literally wouldn't shrink beyond a size 5-7. I was not the before and after who fit a 2 and would have to starve myself to get there. I won't be on your fitness calendar and therefore felt like I didn't DESERVE to love my body until it was perfect.
In each of these photos I was never good enough, I didn't compare to those magazine women, airbrushed and touched up to no end, dieted down, dehydrated and pumped up. What I didn't understand was that there was a TON of work and prep that goes into those shoots and the look delivered is NOT realistic for everyday, healthy living. I remember a trainer telling me she never got periods and that's how she knew she was lean enough. Really? Is that healthy?
WHAT"S WRONG WITH ANY OF THIS? Nothing. THIS is what I'm talking about, I'm not bashing anyone who doesn't look like this but THIS is healthy body for most people who aren't obsessed with food and fitness. THIS is healthy for ME, outside but also INSIDE (ie not starving or severely restricting foods and socially isolating myself). My mind was not there yet... because I hated myself.
THIS picture. Yup, I felt like a TANK yet look... this is not an unhealthy look. THis was probably when my truly healthy journey really started to begin, AFTER hitting my lowest weight and then crashing into oblivion. I had ignored the signs long enough, I had refused to pay attention to the importance of HEALTH, balance and living in harmony with the junk food that tugged my soul and I really had no desire to give up permanently. Why should I have to choose between happiness and skinny? I worked out 3-4x a week for 30-45 minutes each, little to no cardio (during rehab of the metabolism this is very important) and ate well balanced meals 90% of the time. And I looked like this, yet felt like a failure.
But look, I don't have the genetics for figure. To build the shoulders I would have to work years and even then would probably never be superior to those with the genetics for a heavier upper body. Blocky quads and a small upper body mean I just wasn't born with an ideal body shape and the only time I ever got close was below 130lbs.
Why don't we talk about genetics and how that determines what your body will look like? I HATE hearing women hate on their bodies because they don't look like the women in any magazine I've seen, always super lean and buff or super skinny or it jumps to "plus size". Why do they always have tiny waists, wider hips and tiny thighs with a well balanced proportion overall? What about pear shapes and everything else? WHEN the hell did we decide that this was the "perfect" body anyway? It doesn't seem to matter where you look, whether it's with super-skinny models or fitness models, the difference seems to be in muscular tone but the body shape in general still falls into that "ideal" category.
I'm sorry but am I the only one that finds THIS stuff motivating??
Even within the last year, before I get into some of my old "diaries" through metabolic damage, I HATED my body because it wasn't as tiny and slim as it used to be. I still didn't fit into the tiny, fit model status and would never be featured in a magazine because I wasn't "small" enough. But after two kids my hips literally wouldn't shrink beyond a size 5-7. I was not the before and after who fit a 2 and would have to starve myself to get there. I won't be on your fitness calendar and therefore felt like I didn't DESERVE to love my body until it was perfect.
In each of these photos I was never good enough, I didn't compare to those magazine women, airbrushed and touched up to no end, dieted down, dehydrated and pumped up. What I didn't understand was that there was a TON of work and prep that goes into those shoots and the look delivered is NOT realistic for everyday, healthy living. I remember a trainer telling me she never got periods and that's how she knew she was lean enough. Really? Is that healthy?
WHAT"S WRONG WITH ANY OF THIS? Nothing. THIS is what I'm talking about, I'm not bashing anyone who doesn't look like this but THIS is healthy body for most people who aren't obsessed with food and fitness. THIS is healthy for ME, outside but also INSIDE (ie not starving or severely restricting foods and socially isolating myself). My mind was not there yet... because I hated myself.
THIS picture. Yup, I felt like a TANK yet look... this is not an unhealthy look. THis was probably when my truly healthy journey really started to begin, AFTER hitting my lowest weight and then crashing into oblivion. I had ignored the signs long enough, I had refused to pay attention to the importance of HEALTH, balance and living in harmony with the junk food that tugged my soul and I really had no desire to give up permanently. Why should I have to choose between happiness and skinny? I worked out 3-4x a week for 30-45 minutes each, little to no cardio (during rehab of the metabolism this is very important) and ate well balanced meals 90% of the time. And I looked like this, yet felt like a failure.
In every single case I had to have disordered, unhealthy eating and lifestyle to reach that goal of looking like those bodies. Looking back I am finally able to see the beauty in those photos yet still suffer from body dysmorphia (I do not see in the mirror what is actually there, I see something ugly, and large even when I am small). It is a daily struggle but has come a long way.
If you look like the magazines then that's great! Awesome, good for you! ESPECIALLY if you've found a way to do it in a healthy, balanced and sane way that doesn't compromise social activities, events, relationships and your period. If you're healthy and 200 lbs that's FANTASTIC too! I'm not going sink down to anyone else's level and start bashing anyone for who they are, BUT I WILL stand up for women of all shapes and sizes and promote HEALTHY LIVING. STOP bashing your body and yourself, this shit needs to stop. The generations coming behind us are continuing these behaviours and modelling exactly what we do. Standing in front of the mirror judging yourself harshly rubs off on your child. One day I caught my son saying he was fat and I have no memory of saying that in front of him... until I caught myself saying something one day. I didn't think he could hear but there's many things I don't think he can hear then repeats. Children are incredibly smart and intuitive.
Of course it is always within US, it is OUR responsibility to work on how we think, but what we're exposed to day in and day out has a large impact on our thoughts and ideals as well. These "ideal" body shapes were CREATED. Love yourself, be proud, stand out, go against the grain and most of all NEVER call others down for where they are at on their journey. You have NO idea the battles and challenges they face and chances are they are thinking the same or worse about themselves. Be compassionate, the world needs more of that. <3
Chelsea
Tuesday 21 January 2014
Beneath the Muscle: Metabolic Damage
Did you read the last four posts in the series thus far? If not, go back to archives and check them out, this will make a lot more sense once you do ;)
It all happened fast, within a week, when the pieces began to fit together in my mind. It was like living in a fog for months, years even. On some level I could hear my heart telling me this wasn't right for my body, I was smart enough to know that much, young as I was. Yet, I lacked the self-confidence to REALLY speak up, to question what didn't feel right.
It's so common, isn't it? Most women truly believe that dieting should be the lowest number of calories we can "get away with" to sustain our vital body functions. Usually named as 1200, which is incredibly arbitrary considering all the individual differences. There is just NO WAY EVERY woman becomes unhealthy at 1200 calories. For me it was closer to 1800 calories in the beginning when I had a healthier metabolism (it was very sluggish from years of disordered eating but pregnancy with my first and gaining 60lbs really seemed to reset it effectively). That magic 1800 calories is when I began to feel tired and run down, not just hungry but starving and eventually weak. Then it became 1500 calories as my body ate away my muscle (those pounds disappearing so quickly sure looked good on the scale, though....), then I could actually withstand 1200 or 1300 calories a day with several cups of coffee and a couple fat burners no problem. Once a week or so I would lose all control and down every craving I had, which was plenty. Actually it was more like 2 days a week, usually the weekend when most struggle anyway. If I indulged on Saturday I couldn't get myself back on track until Monday. By then it's easy to erase all progress made during the week but my calories were so dramatically low at some points that I was still losing 3-4 pounds a week. I was very active, exercising 1.5 hours a day, walking the dog 30-60 minutes a day, chasing after a one year old and keeping up a "perfect" household daily.
Have you ever heard of the diet cycle? Well I'll do a future blog post on this one but very simply put it's when our bodies try to adapt to the changing stimulus. The body is always searching for homeostasis, a state of being "status quo". When we begin dieting our body will begin to adapt over a period of time by slowing down metabolism (feeling cold, tired, sluggish, unmotivated), increasing hunger hormones and decreasing satiety hormones. What a pain, hey? The lower our body fat levels drop the more our body's compensate. After a while, if we continue to lose weight rapidly (if we're losing 3-4 pounds a week I can guarantee you that is not all coming from fat, you're losing a good amount of muscle), our metabolism continues to decreases, our resting metabolic rate decreases and suddenly we need far less calories to sustain the same weight as we did before. See how this can lead to rebound weight gain?
In a nutshell, this is what happens with any over-ambitious diet and training program. We may be able to compensate and handle it "just fine" for a while, months, even YEARS, but eventually your body will win the battle back to homeostasis. Have you ever seen elite athletes gain mass amounts of weight? Have you ever seen someone who used to be very thin suddenly gain very quickly?
So, back to my story. This is what happened to me. This is what metabolic damage is.
It took about 6 weeks to put on 30lbs. I competed on August long weekend and by Halloween (first picture I have following my last contest) I looked like this.
Should I refresh your memory of what I looked like just weeks before? Ok... I probably should...
Not only was I back at square one but I had actually gone backwards a good 20 pounds and I was MUCH more of a mess than when I began. You see, extreme dieting and "success" doesn't come without a price tag, it NEVER does. What do you think happens when we are told carbs are bad and amazing things like rapid weight loss happen when we stop eating them? What happens when we learn that we can get single digit body fat by restricting calories severely and working out like a gym rat?
* Now I want to clarify something here. Metabolic Damage refers to a lack of the body to respond diet with a caloric deficit (very simply stated). This can vary in severity, mine wasn't as bad as many others, I would call it moderate personally. This is NOT to be mistaken for a severely increased caloric intake due to bingeing or lack of "discipline" (this has physiological factors, though, as well).
This was probably one of the most devastating emotional roller coasters I ever went on. Yes, this was worse than bulimia, at least THEN I had SOME control. Now? I had nothing. I desperately tried restricting myself to 1800 calories a day, doing 45 minutes of cardio, pushing intervals if I could stand it and killing myself with weight circuits. I had learned that I needed to work my ASS off to get results, and I was... but it wasn't what I was doing before, how on earth do you keep up with that in real life?!?!?! You can't... 99% of people can't and if you can I'm not proud of you, it's not healthy for your body or your mind. And it DOESN'T have to be this way!!!! Sadly, it is FAR too common to see girls starving, DYING, doing hours of cardio multiple times a day and living on salad and chicken breast. It's horrifying.
THIS was horrifying. I cannot even begin to describe to you what it felt like to watch your body go from that buff picture right up there, with almost NO body fat, to the one on top within weeks. What that does to your mentality, emotionally... as a woman. I felt FULL of shame and guilt. I switched gyms because I was so ashamed. I could feel people looking at me, some were very obviously thrilled that I crashed and burned, some looked with pity. How could I let myself go after all that hard work? What's wrong with her? WOW, she gained a LOT of weight.
What did my hairdresser say to me? "Oh WOW, yeah, speaking of weight gain I saw your competition pictures!!!!" Ouch. She had mentioned her own struggles with weight, it makes me sad that my "failure" pleased her so much.
I'm going to share some things I wrote to the coach who offered to help me, who'd had plenty of experience with metabolic damage and how to safely repair it over time, but first I have one more disclaimer!
We all have free choice in what we do and don't do. ALL of what I put myself through, the excessive pressure I put on myself to push harder and harder, to be perfect, was all within me. It makes me sad that the trainers we come to trust with our bodies and essentially our lives are not teaching the best methods to getting to stage, to learning balance, and sometimes even a complete lack of scientific evidence on their methods. I COMPLETELY encourage EVERYONE who hires a trainer or coach to ALWAYS ask for rationale on direction, method, choices, plans, ALWAYS ask questions and RESEARCH it for yourself. Join bodybuilding.com and siouxountry.com and learn the ins and outs of competing and training for YOURSELF. We have a personal responsibility to ourselves and unfortunately we can't safely put something of such importance solely in the hands of others. YOU need to look out for YOU.
Next time I'll share some of my deepest experiences in my struggle with a complete loss of control over my body as my wedding day quickly approached. Instead of a super fit, buff body I was expecting to have I was left soft, fluffy and facing the possibility of having a dress that was too small. A bride's nightmare.
<3 Chelsea <3
It all happened fast, within a week, when the pieces began to fit together in my mind. It was like living in a fog for months, years even. On some level I could hear my heart telling me this wasn't right for my body, I was smart enough to know that much, young as I was. Yet, I lacked the self-confidence to REALLY speak up, to question what didn't feel right.
It's so common, isn't it? Most women truly believe that dieting should be the lowest number of calories we can "get away with" to sustain our vital body functions. Usually named as 1200, which is incredibly arbitrary considering all the individual differences. There is just NO WAY EVERY woman becomes unhealthy at 1200 calories. For me it was closer to 1800 calories in the beginning when I had a healthier metabolism (it was very sluggish from years of disordered eating but pregnancy with my first and gaining 60lbs really seemed to reset it effectively). That magic 1800 calories is when I began to feel tired and run down, not just hungry but starving and eventually weak. Then it became 1500 calories as my body ate away my muscle (those pounds disappearing so quickly sure looked good on the scale, though....), then I could actually withstand 1200 or 1300 calories a day with several cups of coffee and a couple fat burners no problem. Once a week or so I would lose all control and down every craving I had, which was plenty. Actually it was more like 2 days a week, usually the weekend when most struggle anyway. If I indulged on Saturday I couldn't get myself back on track until Monday. By then it's easy to erase all progress made during the week but my calories were so dramatically low at some points that I was still losing 3-4 pounds a week. I was very active, exercising 1.5 hours a day, walking the dog 30-60 minutes a day, chasing after a one year old and keeping up a "perfect" household daily.
Have you ever heard of the diet cycle? Well I'll do a future blog post on this one but very simply put it's when our bodies try to adapt to the changing stimulus. The body is always searching for homeostasis, a state of being "status quo". When we begin dieting our body will begin to adapt over a period of time by slowing down metabolism (feeling cold, tired, sluggish, unmotivated), increasing hunger hormones and decreasing satiety hormones. What a pain, hey? The lower our body fat levels drop the more our body's compensate. After a while, if we continue to lose weight rapidly (if we're losing 3-4 pounds a week I can guarantee you that is not all coming from fat, you're losing a good amount of muscle), our metabolism continues to decreases, our resting metabolic rate decreases and suddenly we need far less calories to sustain the same weight as we did before. See how this can lead to rebound weight gain?
In a nutshell, this is what happens with any over-ambitious diet and training program. We may be able to compensate and handle it "just fine" for a while, months, even YEARS, but eventually your body will win the battle back to homeostasis. Have you ever seen elite athletes gain mass amounts of weight? Have you ever seen someone who used to be very thin suddenly gain very quickly?
So, back to my story. This is what happened to me. This is what metabolic damage is.
It took about 6 weeks to put on 30lbs. I competed on August long weekend and by Halloween (first picture I have following my last contest) I looked like this.
Should I refresh your memory of what I looked like just weeks before? Ok... I probably should...
Not only was I back at square one but I had actually gone backwards a good 20 pounds and I was MUCH more of a mess than when I began. You see, extreme dieting and "success" doesn't come without a price tag, it NEVER does. What do you think happens when we are told carbs are bad and amazing things like rapid weight loss happen when we stop eating them? What happens when we learn that we can get single digit body fat by restricting calories severely and working out like a gym rat?
* Now I want to clarify something here. Metabolic Damage refers to a lack of the body to respond diet with a caloric deficit (very simply stated). This can vary in severity, mine wasn't as bad as many others, I would call it moderate personally. This is NOT to be mistaken for a severely increased caloric intake due to bingeing or lack of "discipline" (this has physiological factors, though, as well).
This was probably one of the most devastating emotional roller coasters I ever went on. Yes, this was worse than bulimia, at least THEN I had SOME control. Now? I had nothing. I desperately tried restricting myself to 1800 calories a day, doing 45 minutes of cardio, pushing intervals if I could stand it and killing myself with weight circuits. I had learned that I needed to work my ASS off to get results, and I was... but it wasn't what I was doing before, how on earth do you keep up with that in real life?!?!?! You can't... 99% of people can't and if you can I'm not proud of you, it's not healthy for your body or your mind. And it DOESN'T have to be this way!!!! Sadly, it is FAR too common to see girls starving, DYING, doing hours of cardio multiple times a day and living on salad and chicken breast. It's horrifying.
THIS was horrifying. I cannot even begin to describe to you what it felt like to watch your body go from that buff picture right up there, with almost NO body fat, to the one on top within weeks. What that does to your mentality, emotionally... as a woman. I felt FULL of shame and guilt. I switched gyms because I was so ashamed. I could feel people looking at me, some were very obviously thrilled that I crashed and burned, some looked with pity. How could I let myself go after all that hard work? What's wrong with her? WOW, she gained a LOT of weight.
What did my hairdresser say to me? "Oh WOW, yeah, speaking of weight gain I saw your competition pictures!!!!" Ouch. She had mentioned her own struggles with weight, it makes me sad that my "failure" pleased her so much.
I'm going to share some things I wrote to the coach who offered to help me, who'd had plenty of experience with metabolic damage and how to safely repair it over time, but first I have one more disclaimer!
We all have free choice in what we do and don't do. ALL of what I put myself through, the excessive pressure I put on myself to push harder and harder, to be perfect, was all within me. It makes me sad that the trainers we come to trust with our bodies and essentially our lives are not teaching the best methods to getting to stage, to learning balance, and sometimes even a complete lack of scientific evidence on their methods. I COMPLETELY encourage EVERYONE who hires a trainer or coach to ALWAYS ask for rationale on direction, method, choices, plans, ALWAYS ask questions and RESEARCH it for yourself. Join bodybuilding.com and siouxountry.com and learn the ins and outs of competing and training for YOURSELF. We have a personal responsibility to ourselves and unfortunately we can't safely put something of such importance solely in the hands of others. YOU need to look out for YOU.
Next time I'll share some of my deepest experiences in my struggle with a complete loss of control over my body as my wedding day quickly approached. Instead of a super fit, buff body I was expecting to have I was left soft, fluffy and facing the possibility of having a dress that was too small. A bride's nightmare.
<3 Chelsea <3
Behind the Muscle: Red Flags and BLARING Red Lights
HOLD Your Horses!!
If you followed along with my previous blog then you probably thought my "after" picture was quite extraordinary. I had a few comments on how buff I was and so on but that's NOT the end of the story! Oh no, we're not done yet ;)
I did my second contest 4 weeks later and KILLED myself trying to work harder. I dropped more weight and more body fat and came in very lean and flat (you can "fill" your muscles with appropriate and very particular carbohydrate and glycogen manipulation several days leading up to contest day to draw out all the subcutaneous water and push it into the muscle to look FULL and STRONG). At this point it became almost impossible to fill me out and actually took a HUGE binge afterward to fill me out to where I even looked remotely good, in my honest opinion I peaked the day following my massive binge for a brief time before spilling over and bloating.
This second time on stage is when I knew things were very wrong. I couldn't think clearly, like I was thinking through sludge. My walk was uncoordinated and awkward and I felt dizzy all day long. I felt WAY off my game and left feeling awful. Nope, I didn't feel good about my stage presence at all. I didn't HAVE any, I was lucky to be even remotely present and THAT was quite a feat in itself that day. I placed last.
Here's a side-by-side comparison for you reference. Remember, this was only 5ish weeks apart!
Immediately I began to struggle with post-contest. When the goal was past what did I do? I couldn't afford to keep my program, my hubby hated me and competing by this point after watching me go through what I did and how unstable my moods were, how much energy I lacked. I reached out for advice but was told I would have to buy another program. So I floundered on my own and ultimately gained 20lbs back. I had no clue what I was doing! I told myself I was bulking for next season.
As the following season approached my husband was quite dismayed to hear I wanted to try again. I entered a 12 week transformation contest the next season, the perfect solution for lack of money for a program, trainer and supplements required. I was ecstatic to have been chosen out of many who applied! I trusted his name and quickly realized he was a "big deal". I felt special and more determined than ever because I was chosen to join this challenge! I worked HARD to impress my trainer and win. And I did! Of COURSE I did, this is what I do, throw myself full force into my dreams! But again..at what cost?
Dying to be a Fit Pro
I hit the stage that season at 125lbs (again, I'm 5'9"). My smallest pants were falling off and I looked ripped if you could see past the bones. Of course I did, I had nearly no body fat to cover what was left of my muscle. After losing 3-4lbs a week for months I had little muscle left. I worked out 3 hours a day 6-7 days a week this time around. You read that right. I left a former trainer who had me doing HALF that and eating the same amount of calories (this diet WAS more satisfying but I was STILL pumping illegal fat burners in a desperate attempt to keep my raving appetite at bay). I wasn't allowed cheat days, cheat meals and zero carbs for several months beforehand. I lived on 6 tbsp of coconut oil a day, green veggies and chicken. I still can't eat most of the things I ate then without wanting to gag...
I began dehydrating on Thursday for a Saturday contest. Flashing red lights were going off all over my head by this point, especially after seeing multiple workouts for different competitors that were EXACTLY the same for each one in this trainer's possession, waiting to be handed out like candy. But, I shut myself up again. What did I know? He's the champion bodybuilder, I'm the student, just listen if you want to be a champion! It CLEARLY worked for him!
Do you want to punch me as bad as I do right now???
I was given a piddly ration of carbohydrate despite my protests about being able to handle DRAMATICALLY larger doses without bloating and I was trying hard to focus and not cheat. I felt dry and thirsty beyond your wildest imagination by Saturday morning. Again... brain felt foggy and I was FLAT as a board. I NEEDED carbs!! I was sneaking small amounts all day long because I was pretty certain I would die. I had never felt hours drag on like that day did... all I could think about was water. I'm so glad I had the common sense to sneak several gulps, especially after hearing the multiple stories of this past year of athletes collapsing, even dying from severe dehydration tactics like these (tactics NOT BASED ON SCIENCE BTW!!!!). By the evening show I got on stage and felt just as bad as I had the year before. I was even more skinny and depleted, had gained NOTHING since last year and felt like I was going to collapse. The worst moments were trying to hold poses because I was so weak. It was so much work I was literally breathless, my body begging for release. I couldn't keep my heels on because my muscles were cramping so severely and I didn't even care anymore by the end of it, I just wanted it to end. What I thought I was working so hard for the last two years suddenly went up in smoke. I broke. THIS was NOT worth it. I placed top 10 of 25+ women. Good experience? No...
Myself and fellow teammate hours before competing
The Rebound Spiral
I threw myself into a binge that night, not an uncommon sight after a contest. I earned it, afterall. But it continued the next day and I felt out of control beyond anything ever before. I must have eaten 10,000 calories that day. And guess what? I didn't even bloat, my muscles filled out SO nicely and I FELT like a tank but I genuinely wasn't even close.
Within 24 hours I felt a deep, deep depression. I was told it was because I hadn't set any goals to keep training and that I was being negative about things but I felt a deep sense of panic again about rebound and this very sudden and complete loss of control. And now I felt alone and stupid for not being able to get myself back on track after a day or two like I was told I should, like champions do.
* 24 hours and thousands of calories later I felt gross and huge... because I wasn't used to having shape and curve from filled out muscles and the energy from carbohydrates. That feeling alone made me feel panicky. See how these restrictive ways can wreck havoc on your MIND? *
I struggled through and committed to an off-season plan, which was frighteningly similar to my on-season plan but with only 45 minutes of cardio instead of 2 hours. The first week I hated every minute and found it immensely difficult to push myself through my workouts. How could I go from LOVING the gym, running 2 hours a day and an hour of intense weight circuits PLUS ab work and sometimes extras on top of all that to hating the gym? I spoke up and said I felt like I was pushing too hard for off-season, I needed a break and felt so burnt out. The literal response was, "suck it up princess". I didn't respond well to that, was told it was a joke, to lighten up and take a couple days off then return with full force. Not the answer I was looking for.
Within the next couple days my gut feeling turned into a scream and I was no longer able to avoid it. It was like hitting a wall face first, at full speed. Something I needed to finally make me see what was happening. My body had had enough, it was done. It let me know, loud and clear that it was DONE.
I was on the treadmill, pushing through my sprints, 10 minutes in and feeling like dying. That's when I hit the wall. My legs were weak, my heart was racing and I felt dizzy. I stepped off onto the sides... I felt it, I heard my soul scream it out to me... and there I was, fighting it again. I took a longer break and got back on. At 12 minutes on the nose is when I realized I was done. I literally could NOT go on, my body wouldn't even allow me and I just wanted to collapse.
That woke up my brain, my brain that was in such denial. Suddenly I realized that going up a flight of stairs took ALL my breath and my heart was racing. I became dizzy at the weights, especially with leg exercises. My resting heart rate was significantly increased. My entire body was aching and raw feeling and my emotional health was plummeting. This is one of the lowest points I've ever felt... this very moment in time. All my hard work, gone. I felt weak, powerless, stupid, betrayed, angry, bitter, sad, deeply depressed, anxious and completely panicked.
Red flags and flashing red lights were alarming all over the place. Ok... I think I'm STARTING to get it. This is more than just ME being weak and lacking willpower. This was something BIGGER than me... HOW did I NOT see it coming?!?!? Denial seems like such an incredibly simplistic way of explaining it... and believe it or not, things actually got worse from here.
* Within a few weeks I had gained 10+ pounds. I remember how much I hated myself here... I DID think I looked huge, because compared to how impossibly tiny I was a few short weeks ago my body was dramatically different, but mostly because I felt completely lost, depressed and out of control as my body spiralled into a rebellious lesson to be learned about the dieting mentality, extreme diets and how many things may be effective, but that doesn't mean they're safe, healthy or long-term solutions *
Until next time!
<3 Chelsea <3
If you followed along with my previous blog then you probably thought my "after" picture was quite extraordinary. I had a few comments on how buff I was and so on but that's NOT the end of the story! Oh no, we're not done yet ;)
I did my second contest 4 weeks later and KILLED myself trying to work harder. I dropped more weight and more body fat and came in very lean and flat (you can "fill" your muscles with appropriate and very particular carbohydrate and glycogen manipulation several days leading up to contest day to draw out all the subcutaneous water and push it into the muscle to look FULL and STRONG). At this point it became almost impossible to fill me out and actually took a HUGE binge afterward to fill me out to where I even looked remotely good, in my honest opinion I peaked the day following my massive binge for a brief time before spilling over and bloating.
This second time on stage is when I knew things were very wrong. I couldn't think clearly, like I was thinking through sludge. My walk was uncoordinated and awkward and I felt dizzy all day long. I felt WAY off my game and left feeling awful. Nope, I didn't feel good about my stage presence at all. I didn't HAVE any, I was lucky to be even remotely present and THAT was quite a feat in itself that day. I placed last.
Here's a side-by-side comparison for you reference. Remember, this was only 5ish weeks apart!
Immediately I began to struggle with post-contest. When the goal was past what did I do? I couldn't afford to keep my program, my hubby hated me and competing by this point after watching me go through what I did and how unstable my moods were, how much energy I lacked. I reached out for advice but was told I would have to buy another program. So I floundered on my own and ultimately gained 20lbs back. I had no clue what I was doing! I told myself I was bulking for next season.
As the following season approached my husband was quite dismayed to hear I wanted to try again. I entered a 12 week transformation contest the next season, the perfect solution for lack of money for a program, trainer and supplements required. I was ecstatic to have been chosen out of many who applied! I trusted his name and quickly realized he was a "big deal". I felt special and more determined than ever because I was chosen to join this challenge! I worked HARD to impress my trainer and win. And I did! Of COURSE I did, this is what I do, throw myself full force into my dreams! But again..at what cost?
Dying to be a Fit Pro
I hit the stage that season at 125lbs (again, I'm 5'9"). My smallest pants were falling off and I looked ripped if you could see past the bones. Of course I did, I had nearly no body fat to cover what was left of my muscle. After losing 3-4lbs a week for months I had little muscle left. I worked out 3 hours a day 6-7 days a week this time around. You read that right. I left a former trainer who had me doing HALF that and eating the same amount of calories (this diet WAS more satisfying but I was STILL pumping illegal fat burners in a desperate attempt to keep my raving appetite at bay). I wasn't allowed cheat days, cheat meals and zero carbs for several months beforehand. I lived on 6 tbsp of coconut oil a day, green veggies and chicken. I still can't eat most of the things I ate then without wanting to gag...
*A few weeks before competing, the photo that won the tranformation contest. Looking imbalanced. *
I began dehydrating on Thursday for a Saturday contest. Flashing red lights were going off all over my head by this point, especially after seeing multiple workouts for different competitors that were EXACTLY the same for each one in this trainer's possession, waiting to be handed out like candy. But, I shut myself up again. What did I know? He's the champion bodybuilder, I'm the student, just listen if you want to be a champion! It CLEARLY worked for him!
Do you want to punch me as bad as I do right now???
I was given a piddly ration of carbohydrate despite my protests about being able to handle DRAMATICALLY larger doses without bloating and I was trying hard to focus and not cheat. I felt dry and thirsty beyond your wildest imagination by Saturday morning. Again... brain felt foggy and I was FLAT as a board. I NEEDED carbs!! I was sneaking small amounts all day long because I was pretty certain I would die. I had never felt hours drag on like that day did... all I could think about was water. I'm so glad I had the common sense to sneak several gulps, especially after hearing the multiple stories of this past year of athletes collapsing, even dying from severe dehydration tactics like these (tactics NOT BASED ON SCIENCE BTW!!!!). By the evening show I got on stage and felt just as bad as I had the year before. I was even more skinny and depleted, had gained NOTHING since last year and felt like I was going to collapse. The worst moments were trying to hold poses because I was so weak. It was so much work I was literally breathless, my body begging for release. I couldn't keep my heels on because my muscles were cramping so severely and I didn't even care anymore by the end of it, I just wanted it to end. What I thought I was working so hard for the last two years suddenly went up in smoke. I broke. THIS was NOT worth it. I placed top 10 of 25+ women. Good experience? No...
Myself and fellow teammate hours before competing
Evening Show- I was already sneaking sips of water and nibbles carbohydrates almost non-stop trying to fill out
The Rebound Spiral
I threw myself into a binge that night, not an uncommon sight after a contest. I earned it, afterall. But it continued the next day and I felt out of control beyond anything ever before. I must have eaten 10,000 calories that day. And guess what? I didn't even bloat, my muscles filled out SO nicely and I FELT like a tank but I genuinely wasn't even close.
Within 24 hours I felt a deep, deep depression. I was told it was because I hadn't set any goals to keep training and that I was being negative about things but I felt a deep sense of panic again about rebound and this very sudden and complete loss of control. And now I felt alone and stupid for not being able to get myself back on track after a day or two like I was told I should, like champions do.
* 24 hours and thousands of calories later I felt gross and huge... because I wasn't used to having shape and curve from filled out muscles and the energy from carbohydrates. That feeling alone made me feel panicky. See how these restrictive ways can wreck havoc on your MIND? *
I struggled through and committed to an off-season plan, which was frighteningly similar to my on-season plan but with only 45 minutes of cardio instead of 2 hours. The first week I hated every minute and found it immensely difficult to push myself through my workouts. How could I go from LOVING the gym, running 2 hours a day and an hour of intense weight circuits PLUS ab work and sometimes extras on top of all that to hating the gym? I spoke up and said I felt like I was pushing too hard for off-season, I needed a break and felt so burnt out. The literal response was, "suck it up princess". I didn't respond well to that, was told it was a joke, to lighten up and take a couple days off then return with full force. Not the answer I was looking for.
Within the next couple days my gut feeling turned into a scream and I was no longer able to avoid it. It was like hitting a wall face first, at full speed. Something I needed to finally make me see what was happening. My body had had enough, it was done. It let me know, loud and clear that it was DONE.
I was on the treadmill, pushing through my sprints, 10 minutes in and feeling like dying. That's when I hit the wall. My legs were weak, my heart was racing and I felt dizzy. I stepped off onto the sides... I felt it, I heard my soul scream it out to me... and there I was, fighting it again. I took a longer break and got back on. At 12 minutes on the nose is when I realized I was done. I literally could NOT go on, my body wouldn't even allow me and I just wanted to collapse.
That woke up my brain, my brain that was in such denial. Suddenly I realized that going up a flight of stairs took ALL my breath and my heart was racing. I became dizzy at the weights, especially with leg exercises. My resting heart rate was significantly increased. My entire body was aching and raw feeling and my emotional health was plummeting. This is one of the lowest points I've ever felt... this very moment in time. All my hard work, gone. I felt weak, powerless, stupid, betrayed, angry, bitter, sad, deeply depressed, anxious and completely panicked.
Red flags and flashing red lights were alarming all over the place. Ok... I think I'm STARTING to get it. This is more than just ME being weak and lacking willpower. This was something BIGGER than me... HOW did I NOT see it coming?!?!? Denial seems like such an incredibly simplistic way of explaining it... and believe it or not, things actually got worse from here.
* Within a few weeks I had gained 10+ pounds. I remember how much I hated myself here... I DID think I looked huge, because compared to how impossibly tiny I was a few short weeks ago my body was dramatically different, but mostly because I felt completely lost, depressed and out of control as my body spiralled into a rebellious lesson to be learned about the dieting mentality, extreme diets and how many things may be effective, but that doesn't mean they're safe, healthy or long-term solutions *
Until next time!
<3 Chelsea <3
Monday 20 January 2014
Behind the Muscle: Fit isn't as Fit Does
Young with a Beach Ball Belly
Pregnant at 21. Not an easy thing to go through if you're not prepared, especially if you're still working on stabilizing your physical and mental health. If you've been following along in the series, welcome to #3 of my journey to balanced health and fitness from extreme black and white thinking, depression and disordered eating.
I found out at about 5 or 6 weeks along, having known my body quite well. I was determined not to mess up my child but I had a LONG way to go. So I began to eat. And eat, and eat, and eat. In total I'd gained 60lbs in this pregnancy by the end.
I remember seeing my doctor around 20 weeks after a bit of my own "growth spurt" and she asked what was wrong with me after seeing my weight. I quietly said, "I don't know" in response, looking sheepishly at the ground, and cried fairly hysterically on the way home. Not much sensitivity. At this point in my journey this is where I was at. I NEEDED to just eat and figure it out, it was much better than NOT eating, right? At least I wasn't HURTING the baby, I was only hurting myself.
Diet Qualms
Two slices of pizza and a chocolate bar before bed after night shifts seemed ok, right? I had NO idea what I was doing, all I knew is that everyone talks about eating for two while pregnant and here was my excuse without the consequences. Boy was I wrong!
Yup, the baby had to come out eventually and to my shock and dismay he wasn't actually 20lbs plus all the gunk that goes with pregnancy, nor was it all water weight I'd gained. Nope. He came out a teeny, tiny 5lbs 13oz and I only lost 10 lbs when I weighed myself a week later. This was borderline life devastation! (This was taken at 3 weeks postpartum)
The SECOND I had that baby I was on a diet, not enjoying my new family to the fullest like I should but squishing around my incredibly jelly-like belly non-stop and trying to conceal my gut. I was horribly embarrassed and hard on myself. They brought my breakfast tray within an hour of giving birth and I remember leaving my 2% milk on the tray and the bread. I started counting calories and vowed to myself to starve it off, which wasn't hard when bringing home a newborn and first child at such a young age. I was very stressed and suddenly trying to be super mom and keep up with the cooking, cleaning, feedings, diapers and getting skinny. I felt stressed out... a lot. My baby was up every two hours for feeds and it took almost an hour to feed and change him. He was HUNGRY and he was SLOW, I was lucky to get an hour in between. I used to struggle falling asleep quickly until him, though. Either I slept fast or I didn't sleep!
I was never easy on myself, though. I was never doing good enough or keeping up enough, making creative enough dinners, or keeping the house clean enough. It was just never enough. I lost ALL the excess 60lbs I gained and then a couple by 4 months post-partum. How awesome, right? Yeah, sure. Physically I was tiny again but there was SO much that didn't meet the eye.
The Price of Skinny
How did I do it? Well I starved all day and binged in secret at night (which would boost my metabolism but I constantly felt out of control). See there's something called Intermittent Fasting (google it) that some fitness buffs do because it works well for them. There are many myths around eating 6 meals a day to boost metabolism (NO science on that btw though holds many benefits for certain people, especially if you like to eat). Which is perfectly fine IF your mindset is healthy. Mine... was not. I constantly felt out of control. I would have no problem starving all day and eating rabbit food, only 900-1200 calories until bedtime but suddenly I was unable to control myself and felt my mind spiralling. I began slipping into old habits and couldn't find my way out. I had NO muscle left (yup, still hated my body fat, skinny, whatever it was it was never good enough. You CANNOT find happiness in a number on the scale). I picked up most illnesses that blew in the wind, I was EXHAUSTED all the time (and actually felt good when I felt wiped after a workout, pumping caffeine to kill my appetite, avoiding eating after workouts to save calories...all kinds of horribly unhealthy habits). I really thought skinny meant misery, that there's no way I could be happy AND skinny OR happy and fat so I would just choose skinny. I didn't care if I was healthy, I really didn't. I ate "clean" but because all the fitness buffs and models were and I thought that's what I had to do to be skinny, and had to do it ALL the time just like Tosca Reno. I could never understand what was so wrong with me that I couldn't stop wanting "normal" food. See some of the things that are wrong with my mindset and self-talk yet?? I hope so.... If not check yourself, especially if this sounds familiar to you! ;)
I was weak and snapped at my children, my moods were unstable and I still suffered with quite extreme fatigue, constant muscle soreness and aches so extreme I would beg my husband for massages. I was breaking down, I hated taking my precious boy to the park because I was too tired to stand and play. I just wanted to sit and watch but he was too small.
Dieting not working? Why not diet HARDER... STUPID
So it wasn't getting me what I wanted. I figured I would go into competing Now THEY were the ultimate picture of health, right? I had no idea what I was getting into. First, I'm one of the most stubbron people you'll ever meet. When I set my mind to something I will make it happen. I'm also obsessive and neurotic about learning and have to know everything I can about things when I get started. I put 150% into everything, my greatest blessing and my greatest curse.
When I started out I looked good. I didn't feel great but I mean, things were far more balanced than what I would get into in the future...
So I went into competing and began dieting and working out. Right out of the gate at 5'9" and breastfeeding a ten month old I was started on 1.5 hour a day workouts and 1600 calories. I was dizzy the first couple days and even my husband was urging me to eat a banana and I was too terrified of ruining everything. Is this the right mindset???? Is this healthy? No. None of this was right for me and I felt it but I was young and wasn't the expert so I went along. And of course it worked, of course I lost the body fat and I actually looked really good and healthy my first contest. I didn't FEEL good. I felt the same exhaustion, I was starving bones all the time, and dreaming of binges. In fact, I WAS bingeing in secret at LEAST once a week and was still losing like crazy. Another red flag. I learned that a large cheat meal once a week actually spikes metabolism while dieting so I justified my actions.
I placed third. Now I had more fuel in my irrational fire, it was working so why question it??
Don't I look happy in that picture?!?!?
Ignoring Red Flags... Next time on Behind the Muscle!
Thanks for reading! <3 <3 Don't forget to SHARE, you never know who you're helping <3 <3
<3 Chelsea <3
Pregnant at 21. Not an easy thing to go through if you're not prepared, especially if you're still working on stabilizing your physical and mental health. If you've been following along in the series, welcome to #3 of my journey to balanced health and fitness from extreme black and white thinking, depression and disordered eating.
I found out at about 5 or 6 weeks along, having known my body quite well. I was determined not to mess up my child but I had a LONG way to go. So I began to eat. And eat, and eat, and eat. In total I'd gained 60lbs in this pregnancy by the end.
I remember seeing my doctor around 20 weeks after a bit of my own "growth spurt" and she asked what was wrong with me after seeing my weight. I quietly said, "I don't know" in response, looking sheepishly at the ground, and cried fairly hysterically on the way home. Not much sensitivity. At this point in my journey this is where I was at. I NEEDED to just eat and figure it out, it was much better than NOT eating, right? At least I wasn't HURTING the baby, I was only hurting myself.
Diet Qualms
Two slices of pizza and a chocolate bar before bed after night shifts seemed ok, right? I had NO idea what I was doing, all I knew is that everyone talks about eating for two while pregnant and here was my excuse without the consequences. Boy was I wrong!
Yup, the baby had to come out eventually and to my shock and dismay he wasn't actually 20lbs plus all the gunk that goes with pregnancy, nor was it all water weight I'd gained. Nope. He came out a teeny, tiny 5lbs 13oz and I only lost 10 lbs when I weighed myself a week later. This was borderline life devastation! (This was taken at 3 weeks postpartum)
The SECOND I had that baby I was on a diet, not enjoying my new family to the fullest like I should but squishing around my incredibly jelly-like belly non-stop and trying to conceal my gut. I was horribly embarrassed and hard on myself. They brought my breakfast tray within an hour of giving birth and I remember leaving my 2% milk on the tray and the bread. I started counting calories and vowed to myself to starve it off, which wasn't hard when bringing home a newborn and first child at such a young age. I was very stressed and suddenly trying to be super mom and keep up with the cooking, cleaning, feedings, diapers and getting skinny. I felt stressed out... a lot. My baby was up every two hours for feeds and it took almost an hour to feed and change him. He was HUNGRY and he was SLOW, I was lucky to get an hour in between. I used to struggle falling asleep quickly until him, though. Either I slept fast or I didn't sleep!
I was never easy on myself, though. I was never doing good enough or keeping up enough, making creative enough dinners, or keeping the house clean enough. It was just never enough. I lost ALL the excess 60lbs I gained and then a couple by 4 months post-partum. How awesome, right? Yeah, sure. Physically I was tiny again but there was SO much that didn't meet the eye.
The Price of Skinny
How did I do it? Well I starved all day and binged in secret at night (which would boost my metabolism but I constantly felt out of control). See there's something called Intermittent Fasting (google it) that some fitness buffs do because it works well for them. There are many myths around eating 6 meals a day to boost metabolism (NO science on that btw though holds many benefits for certain people, especially if you like to eat). Which is perfectly fine IF your mindset is healthy. Mine... was not. I constantly felt out of control. I would have no problem starving all day and eating rabbit food, only 900-1200 calories until bedtime but suddenly I was unable to control myself and felt my mind spiralling. I began slipping into old habits and couldn't find my way out. I had NO muscle left (yup, still hated my body fat, skinny, whatever it was it was never good enough. You CANNOT find happiness in a number on the scale). I picked up most illnesses that blew in the wind, I was EXHAUSTED all the time (and actually felt good when I felt wiped after a workout, pumping caffeine to kill my appetite, avoiding eating after workouts to save calories...all kinds of horribly unhealthy habits). I really thought skinny meant misery, that there's no way I could be happy AND skinny OR happy and fat so I would just choose skinny. I didn't care if I was healthy, I really didn't. I ate "clean" but because all the fitness buffs and models were and I thought that's what I had to do to be skinny, and had to do it ALL the time just like Tosca Reno. I could never understand what was so wrong with me that I couldn't stop wanting "normal" food. See some of the things that are wrong with my mindset and self-talk yet?? I hope so.... If not check yourself, especially if this sounds familiar to you! ;)
I was weak and snapped at my children, my moods were unstable and I still suffered with quite extreme fatigue, constant muscle soreness and aches so extreme I would beg my husband for massages. I was breaking down, I hated taking my precious boy to the park because I was too tired to stand and play. I just wanted to sit and watch but he was too small.
Dieting not working? Why not diet HARDER... STUPID
So it wasn't getting me what I wanted. I figured I would go into competing Now THEY were the ultimate picture of health, right? I had no idea what I was getting into. First, I'm one of the most stubbron people you'll ever meet. When I set my mind to something I will make it happen. I'm also obsessive and neurotic about learning and have to know everything I can about things when I get started. I put 150% into everything, my greatest blessing and my greatest curse.
When I started out I looked good. I didn't feel great but I mean, things were far more balanced than what I would get into in the future...
So I went into competing and began dieting and working out. Right out of the gate at 5'9" and breastfeeding a ten month old I was started on 1.5 hour a day workouts and 1600 calories. I was dizzy the first couple days and even my husband was urging me to eat a banana and I was too terrified of ruining everything. Is this the right mindset???? Is this healthy? No. None of this was right for me and I felt it but I was young and wasn't the expert so I went along. And of course it worked, of course I lost the body fat and I actually looked really good and healthy my first contest. I didn't FEEL good. I felt the same exhaustion, I was starving bones all the time, and dreaming of binges. In fact, I WAS bingeing in secret at LEAST once a week and was still losing like crazy. Another red flag. I learned that a large cheat meal once a week actually spikes metabolism while dieting so I justified my actions.
I placed third. Now I had more fuel in my irrational fire, it was working so why question it??
Don't I look happy in that picture?!?!?
Ignoring Red Flags... Next time on Behind the Muscle!
Thanks for reading! <3 <3 Don't forget to SHARE, you never know who you're helping <3 <3
<3 Chelsea <3
Sunday 19 January 2014
Beneath the Muscle: Eating Disorder Pregnancy
Pregnancy is a struggle for most women for the simple fact that all our lives we are taught to improve ourselves. We are bombarded with weight loss commercials, diets, pills, magic creams and lotions to correct our "imperfections" we probably didn't even think about until seeing a commercial or hearing a comment from someone. We want to get rid of cellulite, get rid of excess fat, get rid of wrinkles, get rid of our love handles and saddlebags, get rid of bags under our eyes, we are constantly told we are just not good enough the way we are, that there are always improvements. Ask the most beautiful women on the planet and there is almost always a long list of attributes they dislike about themselves.
At 14 I began to discover the world of health and fitness, of magazines and learning to empower change, when my mom began her own serious journey to lose the large amount of excess weight SHE had gained after years of incredibly low calorie dieting and excessive exercise. I quickly became fascinated by everything there was to learn, by how we could manipulate hunger by eating more volume, by changing up how much protein, carbs and fat we ate at each meal. I was on a mission to lose the weight for good, to banish my secret binges and finally get skinny and popular. I posted up pictures of impossibly thin models all over my walls and made a "thinspiration" binder, spending hours longingly looking at the long, wispy limbs of these models, dreaming about what it would feel like to look and feel as happy as they were. To be liked. Not just by everyone else but also myself.
In-patient treatment was intense but necessary for me, that intense and constant support provided left no room for relapses. I spent three weeks there and began to feel very anxious when discharge approached. Going home, into the exact environment and activities that were set triggers for me. Just like an alcoholic, there are triggers to our repetitive behaviours like bingeing. Maybe you drive the same way every day and have a habit of stopping for fast food, then your guilt and shame trigger a domino effect of "well I already messed up" and you collapse into helplessness and despair, downing your frustrating and desperation with more food. Those binges have a neurological, calming effect that become your coping mechanism. The tricky part is that the sicker you get, with alcoholism, eating disorders, drugs, the more you try to cope but the less you are ABLE to cope, and so the cycle continues until you ultimately feel like you have zero control over your thoughts and behaviour. The only option is completely breaking the cycle and removing yourself from your environment.
So imagine suddenly being tossed back into this triggering environment and your body has, after several years, figured out it is healthy enough to ovulate. My periods had been irregular to absent for months on and off and I was a normal 20 year old on birth control. One month in the outside world, the struggle still very raw and very real, I began having slight dizziness spells that led me to take a pregnancy test.
I was alone in my home, living with my brother at the time. My boyfriend of one year, whom I loved very deeply, had come into my life at the most unexpected time and shown me a kind of unconditional love I had never experienced before. He was my rock through treatment. I had bought the test the night before after work and took it nonchalantly, thinking the outcome had to be negative. I left it and went to make myself breakfast, returning a few minutes later with only a very slight sense of worry.
I saw it right away, bright pink and clear as day itself. Two pink lines. I looked at the key and back at the lines, then back at the key again, the word "pregnant" burning itself into my eyes and it very slowly sent the signals to my brain to process. Oh, F**K! That was my response for the next 10-20 minutes as I paced the house in a complete panic.
20, pregnant, unmarried with a guy I was madly in love with but was certain would never stay with me now. I didn't even register the gravity of things on my recovery and where I was at. I just wasn't ready.
I went to the walk in and I'll never forget the day because it was a terrential downpour, the streets were flooded and I could barely see as I drove. I continued in my fog of shock and terror, certain when I arrived he would tell me it was false. No such luck. Pregnancy confirmed, a blow to the gut announced by the doctor who proceeded to tell me he would give me the name of a "clinic" where I could "get this taken care of" and to return right away for a birth control prescription. What he meant didn't register until I got home. He was suggesting I would have an abortion! It took all of an instant to realize that that just felt wrong to me and that's when I KNEW this was happening.
Holy Sh*t it was happening... Talk about probably one of the worst timing scenarios that could have happened. It took some adjusting, a few weeks at most, but I seemed to adjust quickly. Once I realized I was going to be the parent to a child, a person, and some of the things I'd gone through as a child it was quick. This was going to be very, very, very difficult but suddenly I had this responsibility to a PERSON. What if I had a baby girl? Was I going to model this behaviour, the disordered eating, the exercise addiction, the diet pill-taking, self-hating and low-self esteem behaviours? HELL no! Several of the girls I met in recovery had mother's who had the same issues, or similar as they did. It was clear to me that children learn more from what their parents ARE than what they say. Even if you think you're being sneaky about things, that no one knows, who you are INSIDE is very clear on the OUTSIDE, especially to children.
This baby was my angel, my opportunity for getting and staying healthy, for GOOD. I am 100% certain, now, that he was not a mistake but very well timed and planned for my sake, and for his. We were perfect for each other.
Next in the series, my experience through pregnancy with an eating disorder and a mindset firmly set in the old "diet mentality".
At 14 I began to discover the world of health and fitness, of magazines and learning to empower change, when my mom began her own serious journey to lose the large amount of excess weight SHE had gained after years of incredibly low calorie dieting and excessive exercise. I quickly became fascinated by everything there was to learn, by how we could manipulate hunger by eating more volume, by changing up how much protein, carbs and fat we ate at each meal. I was on a mission to lose the weight for good, to banish my secret binges and finally get skinny and popular. I posted up pictures of impossibly thin models all over my walls and made a "thinspiration" binder, spending hours longingly looking at the long, wispy limbs of these models, dreaming about what it would feel like to look and feel as happy as they were. To be liked. Not just by everyone else but also myself.
In-patient treatment was intense but necessary for me, that intense and constant support provided left no room for relapses. I spent three weeks there and began to feel very anxious when discharge approached. Going home, into the exact environment and activities that were set triggers for me. Just like an alcoholic, there are triggers to our repetitive behaviours like bingeing. Maybe you drive the same way every day and have a habit of stopping for fast food, then your guilt and shame trigger a domino effect of "well I already messed up" and you collapse into helplessness and despair, downing your frustrating and desperation with more food. Those binges have a neurological, calming effect that become your coping mechanism. The tricky part is that the sicker you get, with alcoholism, eating disorders, drugs, the more you try to cope but the less you are ABLE to cope, and so the cycle continues until you ultimately feel like you have zero control over your thoughts and behaviour. The only option is completely breaking the cycle and removing yourself from your environment.
So imagine suddenly being tossed back into this triggering environment and your body has, after several years, figured out it is healthy enough to ovulate. My periods had been irregular to absent for months on and off and I was a normal 20 year old on birth control. One month in the outside world, the struggle still very raw and very real, I began having slight dizziness spells that led me to take a pregnancy test.
I was alone in my home, living with my brother at the time. My boyfriend of one year, whom I loved very deeply, had come into my life at the most unexpected time and shown me a kind of unconditional love I had never experienced before. He was my rock through treatment. I had bought the test the night before after work and took it nonchalantly, thinking the outcome had to be negative. I left it and went to make myself breakfast, returning a few minutes later with only a very slight sense of worry.
I saw it right away, bright pink and clear as day itself. Two pink lines. I looked at the key and back at the lines, then back at the key again, the word "pregnant" burning itself into my eyes and it very slowly sent the signals to my brain to process. Oh, F**K! That was my response for the next 10-20 minutes as I paced the house in a complete panic.
20, pregnant, unmarried with a guy I was madly in love with but was certain would never stay with me now. I didn't even register the gravity of things on my recovery and where I was at. I just wasn't ready.
I went to the walk in and I'll never forget the day because it was a terrential downpour, the streets were flooded and I could barely see as I drove. I continued in my fog of shock and terror, certain when I arrived he would tell me it was false. No such luck. Pregnancy confirmed, a blow to the gut announced by the doctor who proceeded to tell me he would give me the name of a "clinic" where I could "get this taken care of" and to return right away for a birth control prescription. What he meant didn't register until I got home. He was suggesting I would have an abortion! It took all of an instant to realize that that just felt wrong to me and that's when I KNEW this was happening.
Holy Sh*t it was happening... Talk about probably one of the worst timing scenarios that could have happened. It took some adjusting, a few weeks at most, but I seemed to adjust quickly. Once I realized I was going to be the parent to a child, a person, and some of the things I'd gone through as a child it was quick. This was going to be very, very, very difficult but suddenly I had this responsibility to a PERSON. What if I had a baby girl? Was I going to model this behaviour, the disordered eating, the exercise addiction, the diet pill-taking, self-hating and low-self esteem behaviours? HELL no! Several of the girls I met in recovery had mother's who had the same issues, or similar as they did. It was clear to me that children learn more from what their parents ARE than what they say. Even if you think you're being sneaky about things, that no one knows, who you are INSIDE is very clear on the OUTSIDE, especially to children.
This baby was my angel, my opportunity for getting and staying healthy, for GOOD. I am 100% certain, now, that he was not a mistake but very well timed and planned for my sake, and for his. We were perfect for each other.
Next in the series, my experience through pregnancy with an eating disorder and a mindset firmly set in the old "diet mentality".
Friday 17 January 2014
Beneath the Muscle: Disordered Eating
It's time. I NEED to share the FULL story with you, the full journey thus far. Because I do a lot of listening when I walk around and see the many, many different people I see. I hear a lot of judgement. I hear a lot of lack of understand and flat out rude comments. It's so easy to make assumptions and be hateful towards others because we don't understand their journey. And what really gets me is the people I KNOW have many of their own inner struggles with food, with emotional eating... it really pains me inside that sometimes, even I think these things, too.
I have been making new connections lately with some incredibly beautiful souls and the more people I talk to the more I realize how rare it is for people who have gone through what I have to actually step forward and share it with the world. It's embarrassing, it's dark, it makes us feel weak and vulnerable.
Lucky for you, I have never felt ashamed by these dark experiences, maybe because I know I am not even near that same person I used to be, but I have this sense in my own soul that the world needs to hear what I have to say. And I ALWAYS have something to say :)
Let's look toward the "beginning" (we'll skip the age from 10 years to 19 years for time sake!). What do you see when you look at this picture?
Let me explain to you who was really standing there. A terrified young woman. This was mere days before I was to return home and go into a full-time in-patient adult treatment for disordered eating. I was in panic about my weight that ballooned the second I step foot in Vegas in 2007. I felt horribly about myself and my body was rebelling against my change in routine. It couldn't handle food and I gained 10lbs in water weight (which I quickly shed before I was admitted). This girl was very lonely... she felt very hopeless and lost, like there would never be the beautiful light and sky she was surrounded with.
So I went. And I had decided that this second stint in treatment was going to be my last. I remember being so uncomfortable in my own skin and emotions that I couldn't sit still, the minutes DRAGGED on and I lived in constant fear of the food I was forced to digest. I knew what I was doing and why but I was swarmed with irrational fears I didn't yet understand.
This is something that many, many people will never truly understand. It appears utter insanity to anyone else who has never experienced it but when you grow up lacking SO much control over your life and the things happening around you, in a life full of secrets, sometimes there just doesn't seem to be other options. I grew up being patronized and teased, bullied, my hair set on fire on the school bus, bullied at home and living in a world that constantly told me I'm "fat". Eventually everything comes back on how useless, selfish, and fat you are and this becomes the only thing in your life you feel you can control. Until you can't anymore. That moment is sheer and utter terror, when you realize you have lost it all. You begin to try and heal on your own but seem completely powerless to control your compulsions. Purging releases endorphins in the body and becomes psychologically addicting quite quickly, like drugs and alcohol. It brings the strangest rush you would never imagine... I abused my body and hid in secret, eating mass amount of food in sheer shame, spending money I couldn't even afford, $50 a shot, on food to eat in secret. I was eating in secret at 10 years old, already feeling shame for my habits. It's binge eating, something many more people can relate with, but with a sheer desperation not to gain weight, that we would do absolutely whatever was necessary to prevent that. My entire self-worth was tied in my weight, the scale, and how I looked.
Don't we all wish we could eat whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted and never gain weight? Well I'd found out how. And it almost ruined my life.
I remember seeing doctors and specialists about palpating heart, skipped beats, I saw a heart specialist. I was purging up to 6-7x a day on bad days but could go up to 3 days without eating.
What do you see here? Now that you know, can you see and feel the lonliness and desperation in my eyes? Can you SEE how emotionally ill I really was? Or do you just see how small I was...
Sometimes I still look at this and think, wow... I wish I could be that small. I was 135-139 lbs at 5'9" and lacked any muscle on my body. I just couldn't sustain it. I remember often hating myself in the gym, watching other more muscular, more toned women walk past me. I would watch them work out and wonder why I could never look like that. What was I doing wrong? I ate great....I though.... really.... the things you miss when you think you know someone, right?
Funny, even I am quick to judge this picture, quick to forget the cost that this body and this shot as a whole. It could have cost me my life. I am blessed enough to have had the strength to pull through some of the most uncomfortable and terrifying days, not everyone is so lucky.
It's a journey I still struggle with every single day. A mindset and a disease I've accepted will never just disappear. But I have come a long way in the last 7 years... a very, very long way.
And my journey doesn't end here... ONE MONTH out of eating disorder recovery I fell pregnant and would begin and who new terrifying journey that would alter my life.
Until next time, friends <3
Chelsea
I have been making new connections lately with some incredibly beautiful souls and the more people I talk to the more I realize how rare it is for people who have gone through what I have to actually step forward and share it with the world. It's embarrassing, it's dark, it makes us feel weak and vulnerable.
Lucky for you, I have never felt ashamed by these dark experiences, maybe because I know I am not even near that same person I used to be, but I have this sense in my own soul that the world needs to hear what I have to say. And I ALWAYS have something to say :)
Let's look toward the "beginning" (we'll skip the age from 10 years to 19 years for time sake!). What do you see when you look at this picture?
Let me explain to you who was really standing there. A terrified young woman. This was mere days before I was to return home and go into a full-time in-patient adult treatment for disordered eating. I was in panic about my weight that ballooned the second I step foot in Vegas in 2007. I felt horribly about myself and my body was rebelling against my change in routine. It couldn't handle food and I gained 10lbs in water weight (which I quickly shed before I was admitted). This girl was very lonely... she felt very hopeless and lost, like there would never be the beautiful light and sky she was surrounded with.
So I went. And I had decided that this second stint in treatment was going to be my last. I remember being so uncomfortable in my own skin and emotions that I couldn't sit still, the minutes DRAGGED on and I lived in constant fear of the food I was forced to digest. I knew what I was doing and why but I was swarmed with irrational fears I didn't yet understand.
This is something that many, many people will never truly understand. It appears utter insanity to anyone else who has never experienced it but when you grow up lacking SO much control over your life and the things happening around you, in a life full of secrets, sometimes there just doesn't seem to be other options. I grew up being patronized and teased, bullied, my hair set on fire on the school bus, bullied at home and living in a world that constantly told me I'm "fat". Eventually everything comes back on how useless, selfish, and fat you are and this becomes the only thing in your life you feel you can control. Until you can't anymore. That moment is sheer and utter terror, when you realize you have lost it all. You begin to try and heal on your own but seem completely powerless to control your compulsions. Purging releases endorphins in the body and becomes psychologically addicting quite quickly, like drugs and alcohol. It brings the strangest rush you would never imagine... I abused my body and hid in secret, eating mass amount of food in sheer shame, spending money I couldn't even afford, $50 a shot, on food to eat in secret. I was eating in secret at 10 years old, already feeling shame for my habits. It's binge eating, something many more people can relate with, but with a sheer desperation not to gain weight, that we would do absolutely whatever was necessary to prevent that. My entire self-worth was tied in my weight, the scale, and how I looked.
Don't we all wish we could eat whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted and never gain weight? Well I'd found out how. And it almost ruined my life.
I remember seeing doctors and specialists about palpating heart, skipped beats, I saw a heart specialist. I was purging up to 6-7x a day on bad days but could go up to 3 days without eating.
What do you see here? Now that you know, can you see and feel the lonliness and desperation in my eyes? Can you SEE how emotionally ill I really was? Or do you just see how small I was...
Sometimes I still look at this and think, wow... I wish I could be that small. I was 135-139 lbs at 5'9" and lacked any muscle on my body. I just couldn't sustain it. I remember often hating myself in the gym, watching other more muscular, more toned women walk past me. I would watch them work out and wonder why I could never look like that. What was I doing wrong? I ate great....I though.... really.... the things you miss when you think you know someone, right?
Funny, even I am quick to judge this picture, quick to forget the cost that this body and this shot as a whole. It could have cost me my life. I am blessed enough to have had the strength to pull through some of the most uncomfortable and terrifying days, not everyone is so lucky.
It's a journey I still struggle with every single day. A mindset and a disease I've accepted will never just disappear. But I have come a long way in the last 7 years... a very, very long way.
And my journey doesn't end here... ONE MONTH out of eating disorder recovery I fell pregnant and would begin and who new terrifying journey that would alter my life.
Until next time, friends <3
Chelsea
Wednesday 15 January 2014
How to RUIN your self-esteem...and how to begin REPAIR!
Today I had a vivid flashback, as I watch my belly grow quickly before me. It could be bloat it could be that I'm pregnant with my third child, fourth pregnancy and second baby in 14 months. It could be all in my head!
I remember being 18, going to the gym 5 days a week like clockwork, 1.5 hours a shot, in a desperate attempt to reach my lofty, mostly unrealistic goals. I thought I was being brave, though and reaching for the stars!
Walking on the treadmill I catch a glance of a beautiful, fit physique with long, flowing hair drifting over. I try not to stare obviously but can't help myself. My peripheral vision is stuck on her and she moves over and all my eyes will allow me to see are the highlights. It's like watching someone else under a golden ray of light, they are perfection in your eyes.
Quickly the inner banter turns on myself and all the things she seems to have that I lack. My flat, fine hair with awkward kinks and what I think is a sad attempt at curls, my stretch marks on my hips and thighs from binge eating and growth spurts, my chest that has always looked like a long-term breastfeeding mothers', never having that perk and fullness of a young bust. My large, square thighs with proportionately teeny weeny calves and love handles with handfuls of love. The vast majority of women have been there and even exist in this torture day in and day out, multiple times a day, often when any woman comes around.
It is our human tendency, to naturally assume everyone has it easier than us. She must be happier, healthier, lighter, more fit, smarter, have more time. We get sucked in quickly, especially when someone succeeds. It is so easy to compare our chapter 1 to their chapter 10. There is so much beneath the surface we cannot see, the thoughts, the mindset, the past and present experiences, and all the other little factors.
For all I know she could have been looking at me the same way. Crazy, right? Not really. Because I failed to see the beauty within ME. I was so focussed on amplifying all these perceived positives while amplifying every corner of my weaknesses. Is that a fair fight?
Fast forward almost ten years and I still struggle with this, though admittedly with a lot of work and self-confidence buildng has improved a great deal. It takes a CONSCIOUS and CONSISTENT effort to catch yourself because those thoughts become so automatic we don't even realize that they're happening, sometimes until it's over. Try as much as possible to stop yourself in your tracks and plant some RATIONAL thoughts in there. You DON'T know their story or their journey, drop the assumptions and focus on YOUR positives and what makes YOU beautiful and unique. Even if you have to fake it because you're so lost you truly don't even see any positives about yourself. You are not SO special as to be ALL negative, right? Why would everyone else on the planet be so blessed with perfection and you so cursed? ;)
I promise you, you are FAR more valuable and beautiful than you have ever been led to believe. It will never come form the outside, it will never come once you lose the weight, once you put all that makeup on, once you fit a certain size or own a certain thing. If you cannot love yourself today, right now, then you will not love yourself with all the physical improvements in the world. Chances are, you'll love yourself LESS.
YOU are beautiful just the way you are! <3
I remember being 18, going to the gym 5 days a week like clockwork, 1.5 hours a shot, in a desperate attempt to reach my lofty, mostly unrealistic goals. I thought I was being brave, though and reaching for the stars!
Walking on the treadmill I catch a glance of a beautiful, fit physique with long, flowing hair drifting over. I try not to stare obviously but can't help myself. My peripheral vision is stuck on her and she moves over and all my eyes will allow me to see are the highlights. It's like watching someone else under a golden ray of light, they are perfection in your eyes.
Quickly the inner banter turns on myself and all the things she seems to have that I lack. My flat, fine hair with awkward kinks and what I think is a sad attempt at curls, my stretch marks on my hips and thighs from binge eating and growth spurts, my chest that has always looked like a long-term breastfeeding mothers', never having that perk and fullness of a young bust. My large, square thighs with proportionately teeny weeny calves and love handles with handfuls of love. The vast majority of women have been there and even exist in this torture day in and day out, multiple times a day, often when any woman comes around.
It is our human tendency, to naturally assume everyone has it easier than us. She must be happier, healthier, lighter, more fit, smarter, have more time. We get sucked in quickly, especially when someone succeeds. It is so easy to compare our chapter 1 to their chapter 10. There is so much beneath the surface we cannot see, the thoughts, the mindset, the past and present experiences, and all the other little factors.
For all I know she could have been looking at me the same way. Crazy, right? Not really. Because I failed to see the beauty within ME. I was so focussed on amplifying all these perceived positives while amplifying every corner of my weaknesses. Is that a fair fight?
Fast forward almost ten years and I still struggle with this, though admittedly with a lot of work and self-confidence buildng has improved a great deal. It takes a CONSCIOUS and CONSISTENT effort to catch yourself because those thoughts become so automatic we don't even realize that they're happening, sometimes until it's over. Try as much as possible to stop yourself in your tracks and plant some RATIONAL thoughts in there. You DON'T know their story or their journey, drop the assumptions and focus on YOUR positives and what makes YOU beautiful and unique. Even if you have to fake it because you're so lost you truly don't even see any positives about yourself. You are not SO special as to be ALL negative, right? Why would everyone else on the planet be so blessed with perfection and you so cursed? ;)
I promise you, you are FAR more valuable and beautiful than you have ever been led to believe. It will never come form the outside, it will never come once you lose the weight, once you put all that makeup on, once you fit a certain size or own a certain thing. If you cannot love yourself today, right now, then you will not love yourself with all the physical improvements in the world. Chances are, you'll love yourself LESS.
YOU are beautiful just the way you are! <3
Tuesday 14 January 2014
What's YOUR Excuse?!?!
What do you feel when you look at this? Do you feel singled out? Picked on? Like less of a person? What sorts of emotions does this conjure within you? Does it inspire you to be better, give you hope that it CAN be done?
I'll tell you, I may be a "fit momma" but I don't strive to have single digit body fat or to be a size two. And with my hip bones I would have to slice open any size two, even at 7% body fat (even at 125lbs I only fit a size 5). And neither do many people. Does that mean I make excuses all day about WHY I can't do that and have long, flowing, beautiful wavy hair with three kids at my knees? Hell no!! I'm striving to be my own version of healthy, and to me that means enjoying french fries and daily chocolate, freedom to enjoy social events of the culture of north america without feeling guilty or imperfect. It means learning to be ok with ME and NOT measuring myself against other women (probably the hardest thing to do when we're bombarded repeatedly with comparisons of other women....). It means I'm LEARNING to sort through all the misleading garbage out there and that I'm affected by media crap and mind-garbage like this, always growing and moving forward on my own path to balance. I'm living for me and my family and no one else.
I can hear so many women out there when they see this photo turning in on themselves, "my stomach doesn't look like that...I only have one and I'm 3x the size... my legs are so gross... I could never bare my belly again... I'm useless... I hate myself..." and it gets much darker and dirtier right? Kudos to you if you're strong enough to resist but even with all the progress I've made over the years I STILL get stuck in this mindset. My stomach has a fat pouch on the bottom and it's only ever disappeared around 130lbs. My body fat level is definitely higher and I can never get shoulder caps no matter how hard I try. It would likely take several years of targeted training thanks to my genetics and elongated bones. Overall, this woman has a very "ideal" body shape in general, something I can't achieve with my blocky quads, miniscule calves and big, square hips. My body is not fit for a magazine cover and I've accepted that. After years of killing myself, literally, trying to figure out what was so wrong with me that I couldn't MAKE myself that way.
I want to see more REAL women. I want to see women with "weird" body shapes, I want to see healthy, fit women with more normal body fat levels (where menstruation is still possible if held long term)!! Am I the only one?!?!?! I don't want to see more airbrushed, fake women, covered in makeup and a body that was created for a very calculated timeframe. What about the ladies I see in the gym with naturally less curves? What about the ladies with the hips and big, healthy butts?
From age 14 I grew up idolizing these photos of fitness magazine girls, airbrushed and dieted down to perfection to reach a very specific look for a single day. That's not how they look in real life. Really. Having done 4 competitions myself I can tell you that stage look peaked for only a few hours, then it was gone into a cloud of subcutaneous water cushion. In the end I had dieted so badly my body rebounded 30lbs and suffered from overtraining. I was unable to even DO any exercise, my body said no. Is that healthy??? No! That LOOK did NOT mean I was healthy, yet is considered the epitomy of health. So many dark secrets in that world, for another day....
Each person's journey is unique. We are not all so fortunate as to have the ability to sort through what is true, what is fake, what is a scam and what is a glimpse of hope. In the end, the vast majority of women want the same thing... to be skinny. Let's take the focus OFF weight and "skinny" and put it back ON to being healthy.
I am SO proud of this momma for likely inspiring many who truly don't think it's possible with children, to take care of them AND ourselves. I get where she is coming from and what she meant, but this was definitely misrepresented.
From another perspective, many women will look at photos like this one and not see the other side of the story. There are THOUSANDS of women out there that look like this, eat like birds, throw up in secret, exercise for 3+ hours a day 7 days a week and panic about taking a bite of dessert. I've been there. I was skinny. Several times. Even WON a 12 week transformation contest but what was TRULY happening on the inside was very dark and very secret from the outside world. I was tormented and tortured living in my OWN skin and yet I'm sure many others looked at me and couldn't help but silently berrate themselves for looking different. THINK about this stuff when you see people, see magazine ads, see massive before and afters... there is SO much more than meets the eye, whether it's a simple picture with a poorly worded statement or a magazine cover airbrushed beauty.
Do you know how many times I've heard, "I just want to get skinny first, THEN I'll get healthy"?!?!?
It's NOT just about being skinny...it's about getting HEALTHY!!! The more we move toward reality and focussing on the RIGHT things the better off we will all be.
JOIN the MOVEMENT!! Fit'N'Feisty is on a MISSION!!
Let me know your thoughts on the photo, leave your comments below :)
** If you're a fit momma I want to hear from you! Send me your story along with a photo and I'll feature you here! **
** If you're struggling for the support, direction and tools you need to get HEALTHY... for GOOD, then you NEED to check THIS out!! It's time to get healthy the RIGHT way **
Monday 13 January 2014
Welcome to Fit'N'Feisty BELLY BLOG!! :)
It's not easy to gain weight when you've always fought against it. It's not easy to accept some loss of control over where the weight goes, how far your hips spread or how many stripes we earn. In fact, it's downright devastating and terrifying. Yeah, sure we have to be strong and proud right? After all, we're creating and beautiful being and complaining would just make us selfish, right? I've heard it all before from friends and strangers abroad. The theme for most? It is a huge struggle that sometimes will last for many years to come.
There are a wide range of NORMAL emotions women go through. Imagine, if you've never experienced pregnancy yourself, living in a world that puts a great deal of focus and emphasis on body appearance. A place where increasing weights is associated with an equally increasing number of negative presumptions. Imagine being flaunted dozens of images of pregnant celebrities never lacking a supply of judgements about their increasing weight, praise for losing impossibly quickly and never-ending "tips" on how YOU should be able to do it, too. Now imagine some of the emotions you might feel gaining 30-80+ pounds in a brief 9 months while watching your once familiar body transform into something completely new and unrecognizeable. For some, the belly is worn with pride, for some it carries the fear of losing themselves forever. We all experience this beautiful, terrifying phenomenon differently.
So here it is, join me on my journey to getting purposely large and the struggles that come with a history of disordered eating and too much focus on the numbers of the scale. I won't be preaching about how easy it is to stay fit and eat healthy and I won't be staying in my current clothes (in fact, at 8 weeks I've already long outgrown anything with buttons around the midsection) and all the craziness that comes along with it a surprise #3.
It's not always going to be beautiful and perfect but this is MY journey, my never-ending journey to inner health and balance, NOT public "ideals"
Finding Meaning in Devastation
My world closed in on me 2 days ago, less than a week before returning to work, when I finally gathered every ounce of courage I could muster to take a home pregnancy test after almost a week of denial and avoidance, not a normal reaction for me. I am normally a POAS (pee-on-a-stick) addict. After conceiving one son on birth control at age 20, in the middle of my nursing school education, and with my now husband for only a year, I would say I have grown quite the paranoia about pregnancy. Not to mention watching those pregnancy shows on TV where they don't know until the baby pops out, that just fed my paranoia like white on rice.
There I was, alone in the house. Well, my dog Pixie was staring at me but who was she going to tell anyway. We're buds like that. I pulled out a test and figured I would just go for it. The signs weren't blaring but I was cramping pretty good for about 5 days and had the odd, very very vague sense of dizziness that tipped me off enough to make me hesitant. I peed on that stick and stared...waiting... within seconds that evil pink line emerged from it's secret, white silence. Oh no. Not again.
It was a tough day as the realizations flooded into my already crowded and overburdened brain. I can barely remember to feed the two children I have! I JUST started being able to fold a basket of baby clothes in under 10 hours! Jaxon LITERALLY just started sleeping through the night the week before and suddenly all I remembered what the many sleepless nights, the endless hours of crying and screaming, the reflux, the colic, the intense clinginess to mom. No, I didn't have easy children. Both my boys were the same. Both were up 4-6x every night, only Jaxon was FAR more feisty and fiery than Jake, who was very content during the day as long as mom held him 24/7 and woke up a million times at night. Jax was all that AND still was never happy and comfortable. It took nearly 8 months to get to a place where we felt like we could be somewhat sane again. And he's only 12 months now. That torture is still raw.
But.... as much as I'm paralyzed in fear I realized I always wanted three. I've said this many times (stupid girl), but the universe CLEARLY misunderstood my tone. NOT NOW!!!! Then the signs began to occur to me, seemingly out of nowhere. Jake had mentioned twice in recent weeks about having a baby sister and a baby in my tummy. I'd seen a post from a favorite "psychic" of mine about miscarriages being "children out of order", that the loss is not a true loss but that the "wrong" child was conceived first. I realized, we lost an angel two years ago 3 months before conceiving Jaxon. It was a devastating loss that I remember very clearly, a loss that shook my entire world and weighed so heavily on the very depths of my soul I thought I could never heal. We desperately wanted that baby and the second we were "officially" informed that the ultrasound showed a complete loss my world crashed down and crushed my soul, my heart, my whole body. I couldn't breathe, think, or move for a long time. It was like tidal waves crashing over and over inside me as the words rang in my ears. Disbelief.
That baby was conceived almost to the day of this new life. What was strange was that I remember so very clearly feeling that we'd lost our baby girl. When I had my sexing ultrasound with Jaxon I knew it was a boy, and he sure was :) Only time will tell but I can't help but feel a deep sense of things working out, that this truly is our angel returning to us. Maybe it's clinging to hope, and I'm fine with that, but my soul is telling me I have found the meaning in the loss of our baby girl, just as I'd said those years ago. I will embrace three boys with all my heart, but, if our beautiful surprise baby shows up a sweet girl I will not have a single shred of doubt that she has returned to us. <3
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