My own miscarriage carried this same feeling. I miscarried at a mere 6 weeks, on my 25 birthday. The nurse working at the emergency department clearly wasn't prepared to handle a sobbing woman and even refused to give me the hog (pregnancy hormone) levels. All he would tell me is that maybe I wasn't as far along as I'd expected as they did seem low, after I asked 3 or 4 times and had not gotten a direct answer. No one said I would feel utter devastation and sob so uncontrollably I was blind, unable to breathe. No one told me it was normal to feel like my entire world crashed down on my chest at a mere 6 weeks pregnant. I actually got the feeling from more than a few people that I didn't deserve to be so upset, it was early. I had to sit in a room full of pregnant women and even had to face someone I knew who was checking in for her due date checkup as I sat and waited for the devastating confirmation that we had lost our baby. Our baby I had dreamt about and longed for for almost 4 years, since having our first. Our baby I had waited for patiently while I finished up my nursing degree, got married and did things the way they were supposed to go in the first place. My birthday gifts sat waiting to be opened, each filled with gifts for the baby, a maternity tshirt with a cute saying on it, a gift card for an ultrasound peek at baby. People all around me kept wishing me a happy birthday and I just wanted to scream…no it's not a happy birthday at all. I wondered why fate has chosen this day… it seemed so blatantly ironic.
No one told me I would feel absolutely crazy for 2+ months afterward as my hormones struggled to level out or that I would go through excruciating pain every month afterward, that I would feel deep hurt and jealousy when seeing other pregnant women or hearing of friends falling pregnant. No one told me I would wonder what was wrong with me that I deserved such a loss. No one told me I would FEEL exactly the same as I did, month after month, when I was pregnant which led to dramatic disappointment. No one told me I would feel like a failure, like I had caused the miscarriage somehow, like I had done something wrong. No one told me that every single month when my cycle came to an end I would feel that same devastating loss all over.
No one told me I would have to take one sick day off from work and return, still in pain and bleeding heavily, because I didn't deserve more than that. I felt so ashamed for feeling so broken and shattered so early that I often left out how many weeks I was when I miscarried, what did it even matter, anyway? Why would people feel the need to say, "Oh well at least it was early" like it hurt less?
There were so many things I had no idea about. I was told by the doctor that I could expect to bleed for a week or more, it shouldn't be that painful, that I could take a day or two off work if I felt like I needed it and to expect to return to "normal" when the bleeding stopped.
No, I guess a textbook can't tell you what it's like to go through a loss. Considering one in FOUR women will experience at least one miscarriage and nearly 50% of women struggling with infertility issues isn't it time we educate people about what to expect? What it's really like? I felt so abnormal, constantly worried that things weren't going "right". This is what it felt like for me. At 6 weeks I still was deeply, deeply affected. No less of a person, no less of my child than any other. Share your stories <3
